Wednesday, December 23, 2009


The holiday season is full of so many different people. Some are full of smiles and joy, while others are full of frustration and anger. I find it interesting how sometimes these people can immediately affect your mood and how you feel. You can be having such an off day, and with a simple smile feel as though your whole mood has been lifted.

Then there are those people who can bring you down just as instantly. The ones who knock you out of their way as they march down the streets. Those who are pulling their children by the arm to hurry as they yell profanities in hopes that will speed their children up; disgusting! Of course these people make you angry and at times I wish I could just sit these people down and make them open their eyes.

Happiness and joy can be made a choice. Everyone has their bad days; I know there are days I wake up and wish I didn't have to have any human contact. There are days I wish that every person that walked through my office would just slide me a paper filled out with whatever they wanted so I could get to their issue when I wanted to. Everyday, though, I choose to put on a smile and be happy. You can see people that are going through some of the hardest times still put a smile on. It absolutely amazes me that someone who has lost everything; loved ones, a home, a job, ect, can still be happy, while on the other hand someone who doesn't get the gift they want for Christmas will throw a huge fit.

Lately I have been told by many people how laid back I am and how it seems that I don't let much get to me. I never really thought about it until recently. I am glad I do, this is not a conscious choice but I am glad this is who I am. I enjoy life so much more and I love that I can be the person that makes someones day that much better.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Truth

Yesterday was probably the first day in a long time that I really took a long look at my life. I started to realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I have very few people come into my life and speak honestly to me about who I am and the things I do. For the most part I do an amazing job of hiding any pain, sadness, or frustrations; and from the outside most people look at me and see a hard working woman that doesn't let much throw her off course.

I feel like....No I did, In the last few months make some choices in my life that were really bad. I fee I did, I try to sugar coat the bad I did to make it seem like I didn't have a problem to take seriously. For this, I began to push people away. I have disappointed a lot of people in the process as well, something, that just now, is really starting to get to me. I have no idea why it took so long to realize that I CAN'T be perfect and I make mistakes but at the same time, I need to go back to doing what is right for me and my son. I need to learn from these mistakes I have been making and improve my life choices.

I will say the things I have done aren't the end of the world. I DIDN'T start doing drugs or kill someone. Basically I just became irresponsible. I let the priorities in my life slip away. I worked for a good company in Boise, and although I may not have agreed with the way business was completely ran, they took care of me and paid me well and it was stable.

I am finding it hard to admit this problem out loud. Why I lost my job in Boise and why I am in Seattle. At the same time I feel like I need to let it out because for once I need to be honest and own up to my mistakes.

So, alcohol seems to be my demise. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic and in a sense I still don't. I don't drink everyday, in fact I can go weeks even months without a sip, but when I get started drinking, I feel like I cant stop. The night before I lost my job...I fell into that hole. I woke up late for work, missing my keys, phone, car, everything. I woke up in the bathtub, completely full and bathroom door locked. I could have killed myself. I looked all day for everything. I missed work completely and had no way to contact anyone. That day though, I didn't feel bad, and I should have. I made my whole family worry, my ex worry, my friends, and my whole work. I lost my job, a job that was paying me salary, and job I work my ass off at and a job where I worked my way to the top. I left myself with no way to pay bills or take care of my son. I completly ruined my life in Boise in one night!

It's a sad when something so insignificant can really take a hold of your life. I think my biggest problems lie with my mind. I have so much stress that I don't let out, that I keep inside and when I drink its like they disappear.

Just recently I moved to Seattle. It was one of the only places I was getting job offers at. Boise's economy is horrible and the opportunities for me there were slim. Seattle was close to friends and also a brand new start, where no one knew me. Something I feel like I need. In Seattle I have some new friends and at first I would go out, have one or two beers and go home and everything was fine. Until recently I feel like I'm heading down that same path again. I still wake up for work and do my job and I still work full hours and work my ass off, but now im distroying relationships, with people I care about.

I feel like my solution is to stop drinking until either 1: I get my life back on track or 2: just stop forever... Wow forever was a lot harder to type than I thought. At this point in time I feel like it is something that needs to be done. I just recently ruin a potential chance for a relationship due to my drinking. This being completely my fault or course and I deserve everything being thrown at me. It is the time though for me to get my life back on track. I'm 23 about to be 24 in May. I am smart and I have so many opportunities out there for me, and if i keep on this track all those opportunities will disappear. I will disappoint my brothers and sister (who are so very important to me and I want to be a good older sister to them), I will disappoint my son, my family, and friends.

Even more recently I am finally starting to see who I am and let my true colors shine through. I am starting to be happy again and starting to see who I really am and I enjoy that part of my life. I just need to break apart the pieces that aren't really a part of me. I need to start making more positive moves to my future.

As a side note. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to post about myself. The honest truth. Maybe not in full detail but close enough. I will say I have had my mouse on the post button for about 10 min. now.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Craziness in Seattle

So, just recently we had an apartment break in where I live. Very scary actually. The person broke on to the roof and stole a check book from the apartment and then got blood on the wall of the fifth floor as he tried to break into another apartment. I honestly thought finding who did this would be completely hopeless. No one saw anything or heard anything!

This same guy as leaving my building proceeded to get blood on the wall by the entrance and pull our plant completely out of the pot out front and drug it almost to the street. Which on my own I couldnt get the plant back in the pot, I had to get a manly hand to help.

Anyway, so like I said, this was going to be a waste of time for anyone trying to figure out who did this. Lucky for us, this person isnt very smart. So, this gentleman stole the guys check books and made checks out to himself and deposited them in his own account. When the resident came down to show me the checks i realized this guy lived in the apartments I rented. I wanted to laugh very hard because I see this guy everyday and he pretty much put a stamp on his forhead turning himself in.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesday in Seattle 10/21/09

She lays there, appearing to be drained of life. Her hands hang over the edge of the bed and her head sinking into her pillow. She stares blankly at the ceiling, not blinking once. He leans against the wall as he takes a large breath of air and buries his face into his hands. Nothing is said for a while, only the sound of footsteps from outside seem to fill the room. He pushes him self off the wall with his tear soaked hands, stepping towards where she lays and begins to speak, " I am..." then his voice drifts off into the distant halls as he bites his lip thinking of what to say.

She then closes her eyes and one tear slides down her cheek to the pillow, she is holding back her emotions and he can see in her eyes that she wants him to leave so she can release what she is holding inside.

"I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I swear it meant nothing." He finally chocks out the words, and his voice shaking as he tries to look her in the eyes.

Still silence, he just stares at her and she just stares at the wall. Nothing at this moment in time could make her feel less wanted. She now starts to believe everything said about failed relationships and so call "true love" and how its not real.

He tries to get closer and pull her stare from the wall, then he slowly lowers his eyes to the ground and drags his feets as he exits the room. There is nothing that he can say, nothing that he can do. She feels empty and alone.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Just recently, I made a huge move to Seattle. It isn't far from home if you look at it in distance. It about an 8 hour drive or a quick flight. If I look back at my life, though, it is a huge change for me. I have always been surrounded by people who have looked out for me and loved me, and for the first time I have separated myself from them as well as from the drama that flooded my life.

I felt like things were just getting more and more difficult in Boise. I have been through so much in the last 5-8 years and for some reason remaining there I couldn't find a way to let go of the past. Even though I find myself lonely here, I also find myself fitting in more here. I find that I feel like i know who i am better.

The hardest part of this move for me is the lack of time I will see my son. My ex-husband and I have worked out an every other month custody until my son starts school and then we will go from there. I haven't seen my son in almost 3 weeks now and it is the hardest time of my life. I would like to call everyday but I find it so hard to hear is voice. I look at videos in my phone of him and I can feel my heart being squeezed and my eyes swell up with tears. I just cant wait until i get to hold him again and kiss him. I think I have learned on thing though with not having my son here, I have learned that he is my strength. He is what keeps me going. I think about him and it hurts but at the same time, I remember why I moved here, for him and for me and to make sure I could provide for the both of us, and then it's not so hard.

This seem to still be hard with my ex and I. We have our good days and our bad, but at times i feel like we are on a race track just going in circles, and I get tired of feeling so clueless of how to end this cycle. It does seem like there are more good days than bad as of recently. Even today we got in a bicker of text messages and I just wanted to throw my phone. I found myself so angry that i finally just said f*&# it!! I just want this done. Which is hard because I still really care about him and want him in my life, but I just cant take the constant fighting and hate, it drains me.

I love Seattle though, the water and trees really make me happy, EVEN THE RAIN!! I am hoping this is a start to a new beginning for me and another road in the journey of my life.

Friday, September 4, 2009

holding your life in my hand

I hate this feeling. I hate when my heart feels like its bleeding for you because I'm scared you will do something to end your life. You call yourself worthless and a piece of shit. I don't know what to do to show you that you are more than that. I am sorry we didn't work out, but you are not nothing. You make me fear for you and you make me wish we had never been, even though some of the best times i have ever had were with you. I feel like you are being selfish holding on to me and selfish making me hurt for you. Its not fair to make me worry that you will end your life. You know i love you with all my heart, and I know deep inside you know we didn't work but you keep on making me feel guilty and you keep me worrying for you .

Today you at 1 am you texted me telling me how worthless you were and didn't pick up your phone when I called. You wont tell me what the fuck is going on. All i hear from everyone is how depressed you are and all I hear from you is how much you can't live without me. What do i do, I cant take your stress I cant take this feeling like I'm a horrible person. I seriously feel like my life is falling apart more and more because I am so damn worried about you ending your life.

Please get help, please realize who you are and how amazing you are. Stop accusing me, and stop making me feel like the only way to make you live is to be with you!

Monday, April 20, 2009


I find it sad that happiness can be found in separation and in parting ways. Those two words seem sad and distant. How does time change something so much so that it no longer is what it once was, and how does time pull two people apart from where they once started. I can see how this is the right thing and i can see how time has changed us both but it is hard to see when it started and how it happened. I know you think this is easy for me but it isn't. I know i will have days of loneliness and fear but i know that if you can be happy, i don't want to take anything away from you to get you where you need and want to be. I dont want to hold you back from who you are and all you could be. Regardless of what we go through and what else changes with us. I love you and will always keep you in my heart. You know more about me than most people know about me and i respect you completely.

Monday, March 30, 2009

I feel lost in my state of confusion

Constantly I feel like I know the choices I should be making with the situation I am in, but i find myself confused and unsure of how to take those steps. I feel as though if I stay on this path, people will see this person I could be and see pieces of who I really am, but if I take the path I know I should take then I can let myself be me and really shine. It just seems so much harder then the words I speak and think. I know life isn't easy, but choices that involves others well beings seem to be the hardest choices to make. A choice that would crush someones world for a few months or longer but could open doors for everyone in the situation.

I wish it could be simple, and I know that wont happen, and at times I wish others would make this choice for me, it would be easier. I know everyone must see it, and I feel like I can be fake because I had behind this wall of fear and blame that I don't let myself open up to many. This confusion is driving me crazy, and these emotions are making me want to scream. I know in time, life will figure itself out, I just wish I knew how long this would be.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

So I met my real dad for the first time Yesterday.

OK, so for those of you who don't know my story, I was adopted when I was 7 and had never met or knew much about my dad. I tried looking when I was seven and found nothing. My parents weren't very supportive of this search (although they will argue that they were.) Then, now being 22, I decided to try again. I started without knowing his last name and only vaguely remembering his first name. I probed family a bit and finally my grandma was able to tell me his last name.
I still remember getting that text on my way to my Spanish class. I was like who is that...then I just realized, "wow, that's my dad". The whole night in class all did was think about finding him. I was working with someone to find him and once I gave him his name we found him quickly and finally made contact with him. The first e-mail sent was a bit awkward because i wasn't sure what to say.
I am Lindsay and i have kind of a weird thing to ask you but, I think I might be
your daughter. I was born in 1986, in Bountiful, Utah. Sorry to bother you if I am
After that e-mail I received one shortly after explaining that I could possibly be, and that he was excited to get to know me and learn if I was. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days before I finally worked up the courage to call him.
Our first phone conversation lasted hours and it left me hoping that he really was my dad, but we agreed to get a paternity test just to be 100% sure.
Through this I had explained to my family what was going on, and although half of them were very optimistic, a few of them (which i will exclude names out of respect for them) didn't understand and felt as though I was making a stupid decision. In fact they have completely stopped talking to me. I felt a bit hurt and confused if this was that right thing to do, but i really do and I think it is important to who I am. So if they can't support me or have decided to not be a part of my life, then I guess I have to deal with that choice and move on.
Finally, yesterday was the first day I met him. It was quite nerve racking for a while, I mean someone who is biologically related to you and you have never met them. It's like a part of you that has been hidden and all the sudden is right in front of your face. I chose the place I felt pretty comfortable to go, Goodwood, I have many close friends that work there and it was a way to stay kind of public so that I didn't look like I wasn't interested in meeting him. Usually when I get nervous I don't talk much, and I didn't, which I feel horrible, but I think he could understand. I looked around and ate and thoughts were constantly flying through my mind.
He is a very neat guy and I have learned we have a lot more in common than I ever thought we would. I am happy I did this, and I hope in the end this will be a good relationship that him and I can build. I hope to keep him as a part of my life, if he is wanting to be in it. It is scary, though. It is almost like meeting someone you feel a certain bond with but then trying to figure out how you have this bond.

One word that constantly sits in my head is WOW. I just can't believe i finally did it.
If you have any questions ask away :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

to you from me... ( still a work in progress)

Dear You,

I decided to write this letter to you because I want to thank you. Thank you for remembering who you and being yourself again. I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough. You seemed so depressed and lost and now I can see your real smile and hear your true laugh. You have given me hope and desperation. I am sorry about your past but I’m glad you have come to realize that it is an entity to who you are and makes you, you. You are amazing no matter what bad or good time you go through, and don’t forget we all make mistakes, and chances are if you are going through it, look to your left or right and I guarantee someone else is or has before. You will never be alone…someone will always have your back.



Life is interwined with the barbedwire fence. Electricity powers through bringing all life that touches it to its end. Rain rides on the metal, making sparks dance. The rain drops dripping from the barbed wire, to the moist ground. The evening was silent and the moving world around seemed distant. Her eyes scanned the surrounding, in fear she slowly stepped forward, staring into the mangled mess. Calapsing to her knees, tears cascading down her face, she grabbed the hands of the deceased as she began to fall apart. Her heart was pounding loudly and her screams were even louder. The body lays strangled, lifeless, and with nothing else to give.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

finding something

Today I found something that was just amazing to me. Something that gave me the biggest smile and something that almost made my life see so much more full. I am hoping that this doesn't all go the wrong way in the end, but I feel very confident. My one problem is how do you tell someone who has been in your life since birth and cared for you since birth this amazing thing you found and have them feel just as happy as you?

I can already see the tears, sadness, and the fear. The fear of losing the one person that has been in her life when times got hard and when times were great. She wont lose me but I can understand why she might feel like she might lose me. How do I even start this conversation? How should I begin?

I dialed her number today and held my breath until it got to her answering machine and then I hung up taking a big sigh of relief. I don't know why I was relieved when I should been even more stressed because that means I need to tell her another day. I just have no idea how to present the idea or the situation to her in a way that will help her understand my choice as well as my happiness. I have support from everyone around me but I need her support, and I need her love.

I'm so scare and the more I think about what she will say, the more scared I get. I guess I will just have to keep going and hope for her support and if i don't get it, then realize I still love her the same, regardless.

Monday, January 19, 2009

She closes her eyes and seeks the darkness within. The world seems to be closing in on her and she has no one to go to. Life seems to end for her as she begins to search for her meaning. There is nothing left for her. She’s tangled in mesh of confusion, and you keep hanging on to the unraveling thread. Please just let her go… she needs to stop feeling guilty and fucked up. Let her smile again; let her start her life again. She deserves nothing more than to look in the mirror and see the beauty that you have taken from her. Her life is slowly fading away as you stand over her and the blood dripping from your hands. You have left her with nothing during her last living moments. You just stare her in the eyes with tears cascading down your face but you don’t help her….you just stare.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Is it gone?

I am sitting her numb as hell. I am so mystified and so lost. I have no idea why I am here and what I’m supposed to learn. I feel like sitting on the ground, pulling my knees to my chest, and weeping. Why does life have to be so complex? I know there are people all around going through worse, but I still can’t release my pain. You waited so long and now you say you are back, you want to try. What does that mean, why did you wait so long? I haven’t cried for so long but I just feel the tears coming up and wanting to burst. What is this love? What will ever come of it, and why can’t we know what is best? I hate you for doing this to me and for making me question who I am and what I need. I hate you for being gone for so long and never trying to save this relationship, and now I don’t know if it can be saved. I feel like I have taken away who you are and what you believe, that was never my intention, I wanted you… all of you; now I don’t know who you are or who we are. I can’t kiss you without feeling like I’m kissing a stranger, I can’t hold you without wondering who I am holding. Can we ever get what we once had back? Can you ever be you, can I be me; and can we still be you and I? I don’t know if we can…I don’t know if I want that anymore.