Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Truth

Yesterday was probably the first day in a long time that I really took a long look at my life. I started to realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I have very few people come into my life and speak honestly to me about who I am and the things I do. For the most part I do an amazing job of hiding any pain, sadness, or frustrations; and from the outside most people look at me and see a hard working woman that doesn't let much throw her off course.

I feel like....No I did, In the last few months make some choices in my life that were really bad. I fee like...no I did, I try to sugar coat the bad I did to make it seem like I didn't have a problem to take seriously. For this, I began to push people away. I have disappointed a lot of people in the process as well, something, that just now, is really starting to get to me. I have no idea why it took so long to realize that I CAN'T be perfect and I make mistakes but at the same time, I need to go back to doing what is right for me and my son. I need to learn from these mistakes I have been making and improve my life choices.

I will say the things I have done aren't the end of the world. I DIDN'T start doing drugs or kill someone. Basically I just became irresponsible. I let the priorities in my life slip away. I worked for a good company in Boise, and although I may not have agreed with the way business was completely ran, they took care of me and paid me well and it was stable.

I am finding it hard to admit this problem out loud. Why I lost my job in Boise and why I am in Seattle. At the same time I feel like I need to let it out because for once I need to be honest and own up to my mistakes.

So, alcohol seems to be my demise. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic and in a sense I still don't. I don't drink everyday, in fact I can go weeks even months without a sip, but when I get started drinking, I feel like I cant stop. The night before I lost my job...I fell into that hole. I woke up late for work, missing my keys, phone, car, everything. I woke up in the bathtub, completely full and bathroom door locked. I could have killed myself. I looked all day for everything. I missed work completely and had no way to contact anyone. That day though, I didn't feel bad, and I should have. I made my whole family worry, my ex worry, my friends, and my whole work. I lost my job, a job that was paying me salary, and job I work my ass off at and a job where I worked my way to the top. I left myself with no way to pay bills or take care of my son. I completly ruined my life in Boise in one night!

It's a sad when something so insignificant can really take a hold of your life. I think my biggest problems lie with my mind. I have so much stress that I don't let out, that I keep inside and when I drink its like they disappear.

Just recently I moved to Seattle. It was one of the only places I was getting job offers at. Boise's economy is horrible and the opportunities for me there were slim. Seattle was close to friends and also a brand new start, where no one knew me. Something I feel like I need. In Seattle I have some new friends and at first I would go out, have one or two beers and go home and everything was fine. Until recently I feel like I'm heading down that same path again. I still wake up for work and do my job and I still work full hours and work my ass off, but now im distroying relationships, with people I care about.

I feel like my solution is to stop drinking until either 1: I get my life back on track or 2: just stop forever... Wow forever was a lot harder to type than I thought. At this point in time I feel like it is something that needs to be done. I just recently ruin a potential chance for a relationship due to my drinking. This being completely my fault or course and I deserve everything being thrown at me. It is the time though for me to get my life back on track. I'm 23 about to be 24 in May. I am smart and I have so many opportunities out there for me, and if i keep on this track all those opportunities will disappear. I will disappoint my brothers and sister (who are so very important to me and I want to be a good older sister to them), I will disappoint my son, my family, and friends.

Even more recently I am finally starting to see who I am and let my true colors shine through. I am starting to be happy again and starting to see who I really am and I enjoy that part of my life. I just need to break apart the pieces that aren't really a part of me. I need to start making more positive moves to my future.

As a side note. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to post about myself. The honest truth. Maybe not in full detail but close enough. I will say I have had my mouse on the post button for about 10 min. now.

7 comments:

Lori Simpson said...

Lindsay,

Everyone makes "choices" that they, in the end have to live up to as possible "mistakes", but you are taking a very big step in the recovery process right now. When I was your age, actually a little younger, I was making some of the same "choices" as you were. I did not know who I was and I did not love myself enough to try to figure it out. I eventually met Bryan, but that was only AFTER a lot of yucky nights like that night you describe. It can all change in an instant but in my opinion, you have the power to make things different so that you can appreciate those "choices" and call them " learning experiences" rather than "mistakes". Am I making any sense?? I am now married with 4 children, and it has not all been rainbows and lollipops, but I am who I am today because of my past, and you know what, I am a GOOD me! You and I didn't do a lot together before you left besides play soccer, but Lindsay, I have been where you are. My childhood was also much like yours. If you ever need to talk or just vent, please let me know! I think you are a wonderful person and I think you will make great choices for your future and for your son. You DO have people that will support you, even if you are surprised by who they are. You keep your attitude positive, adn I promise you, good things will happen for you! Hugs to you!
xoxo
Lori

Robin said...

I am sending positive energy your way, Lindsay, and I hope that you find your path, one based in love and being true to all the good things inside you! :)

Robin said...

P.S. Mistakes help to tell you who you aren't. Who you are is everything good and loving inside you, and if are true to that as often as you can, you will be true to yourself. :)

Keeston_1 said...

Hey Lindsay,

It's you buddy Kees!! I'm very proud of you for accepting your imperfections and striving to better yourself. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Lord knows I have. You are a wonderful young lady and I'm blessed to have you in my life! You keep pressing forward, chasing your dreams and being a wonderful mother to the lil' tyke! You are going to go places bud... I know it. I miss you!

Anonymous said...

my dear z, this is one of the best postings you could have put on here, i love you and am always here for you, and i'm glad i could have an honest hand in this... some what, i cant wait for this weekend and right after you get to see your beautiful kayden! its going to be a great weekend and a fresh start for you!!! <3

Martina said...

I hear you. I am not sure if it helps if some stranger far away is listening, but I am.
I can not say any more than Lori, Robin and Keeston have already said. Listen to them, ;-)

not.this.lifetime said...

Mistakes give you experience. Experience makes you more well rounded. Hang in there!