Monday, March 30, 2009

I feel lost in my state of confusion

Constantly I feel like I know the choices I should be making with the situation I am in, but i find myself confused and unsure of how to take those steps. I feel as though if I stay on this path, people will see this person I could be and see pieces of who I really am, but if I take the path I know I should take then I can let myself be me and really shine. It just seems so much harder then the words I speak and think. I know life isn't easy, but choices that involves others well beings seem to be the hardest choices to make. A choice that would crush someones world for a few months or longer but could open doors for everyone in the situation.

I wish it could be simple, and I know that wont happen, and at times I wish others would make this choice for me, it would be easier. I know everyone must see it, and I feel like I can be fake because I had behind this wall of fear and blame that I don't let myself open up to many. This confusion is driving me crazy, and these emotions are making me want to scream. I know in time, life will figure itself out, I just wish I knew how long this would be.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

So I met my real dad for the first time Yesterday.

OK, so for those of you who don't know my story, I was adopted when I was 7 and had never met or knew much about my dad. I tried looking when I was seven and found nothing. My parents weren't very supportive of this search (although they will argue that they were.) Then, now being 22, I decided to try again. I started without knowing his last name and only vaguely remembering his first name. I probed family a bit and finally my grandma was able to tell me his last name.
I still remember getting that text on my way to my Spanish class. I was like who is that...then I just realized, "wow, that's my dad". The whole night in class all did was think about finding him. I was working with someone to find him and once I gave him his name we found him quickly and finally made contact with him. The first e-mail sent was a bit awkward because i wasn't sure what to say.
I am Lindsay and i have kind of a weird thing to ask you but, I think I might be
your daughter. I was born in 1986, in Bountiful, Utah. Sorry to bother you if I am
After that e-mail I received one shortly after explaining that I could possibly be, and that he was excited to get to know me and learn if I was. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days before I finally worked up the courage to call him.
Our first phone conversation lasted hours and it left me hoping that he really was my dad, but we agreed to get a paternity test just to be 100% sure.
Through this I had explained to my family what was going on, and although half of them were very optimistic, a few of them (which i will exclude names out of respect for them) didn't understand and felt as though I was making a stupid decision. In fact they have completely stopped talking to me. I felt a bit hurt and confused if this was that right thing to do, but i really do and I think it is important to who I am. So if they can't support me or have decided to not be a part of my life, then I guess I have to deal with that choice and move on.
Finally, yesterday was the first day I met him. It was quite nerve racking for a while, I mean someone who is biologically related to you and you have never met them. It's like a part of you that has been hidden and all the sudden is right in front of your face. I chose the place I felt pretty comfortable to go, Goodwood, I have many close friends that work there and it was a way to stay kind of public so that I didn't look like I wasn't interested in meeting him. Usually when I get nervous I don't talk much, and I didn't, which I feel horrible, but I think he could understand. I looked around and ate and thoughts were constantly flying through my mind.
He is a very neat guy and I have learned we have a lot more in common than I ever thought we would. I am happy I did this, and I hope in the end this will be a good relationship that him and I can build. I hope to keep him as a part of my life, if he is wanting to be in it. It is scary, though. It is almost like meeting someone you feel a certain bond with but then trying to figure out how you have this bond.

One word that constantly sits in my head is WOW. I just can't believe i finally did it.
If you have any questions ask away :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

to you from me... ( still a work in progress)

Dear You,

I decided to write this letter to you because I want to thank you. Thank you for remembering who you and being yourself again. I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough. You seemed so depressed and lost and now I can see your real smile and hear your true laugh. You have given me hope and desperation. I am sorry about your past but I’m glad you have come to realize that it is an entity to who you are and makes you, you. You are amazing no matter what bad or good time you go through, and don’t forget we all make mistakes, and chances are if you are going through it, look to your left or right and I guarantee someone else is or has before. You will never be alone…someone will always have your back.



Life is interwined with the barbedwire fence. Electricity powers through bringing all life that touches it to its end. Rain rides on the metal, making sparks dance. The rain drops dripping from the barbed wire, to the moist ground. The evening was silent and the moving world around seemed distant. Her eyes scanned the surrounding, in fear she slowly stepped forward, staring into the mangled mess. Calapsing to her knees, tears cascading down her face, she grabbed the hands of the deceased as she began to fall apart. Her heart was pounding loudly and her screams were even louder. The body lays strangled, lifeless, and with nothing else to give.