Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Just recently, I made a huge move to Seattle. It isn't far from home if you look at it in distance. It about an 8 hour drive or a quick flight. If I look back at my life, though, it is a huge change for me. I have always been surrounded by people who have looked out for me and loved me, and for the first time I have separated myself from them as well as from the drama that flooded my life.

I felt like things were just getting more and more difficult in Boise. I have been through so much in the last 5-8 years and for some reason remaining there I couldn't find a way to let go of the past. Even though I find myself lonely here, I also find myself fitting in more here. I find that I feel like i know who i am better.

The hardest part of this move for me is the lack of time I will see my son. My ex-husband and I have worked out an every other month custody until my son starts school and then we will go from there. I haven't seen my son in almost 3 weeks now and it is the hardest time of my life. I would like to call everyday but I find it so hard to hear is voice. I look at videos in my phone of him and I can feel my heart being squeezed and my eyes swell up with tears. I just cant wait until i get to hold him again and kiss him. I think I have learned on thing though with not having my son here, I have learned that he is my strength. He is what keeps me going. I think about him and it hurts but at the same time, I remember why I moved here, for him and for me and to make sure I could provide for the both of us, and then it's not so hard.

This seem to still be hard with my ex and I. We have our good days and our bad, but at times i feel like we are on a race track just going in circles, and I get tired of feeling so clueless of how to end this cycle. It does seem like there are more good days than bad as of recently. Even today we got in a bicker of text messages and I just wanted to throw my phone. I found myself so angry that i finally just said f*&# it!! I just want this done. Which is hard because I still really care about him and want him in my life, but I just cant take the constant fighting and hate, it drains me.

I love Seattle though, the water and trees really make me happy, EVEN THE RAIN!! I am hoping this is a start to a new beginning for me and another road in the journey of my life.


Anonymous said...

I had wondered about your son, but thought it might be a touchy subject. I'm glad you and your ex seem to be working things out with him though because custody can become such an issue! Boise is a toxic place for a lot of people. Home, but sometimes toxic. It's good you're branching out!

Anonymous said...

i love you little one, z your my favorite and i know the feeling <3

not.this.lifetime said...

I completely understand. I have my kids every other week and even that's hard for me. Well here's to new friends. Cheers.