Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Truth

Yesterday was probably the first day in a long time that I really took a long look at my life. I started to realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I have very few people come into my life and speak honestly to me about who I am and the things I do. For the most part I do an amazing job of hiding any pain, sadness, or frustrations; and from the outside most people look at me and see a hard working woman that doesn't let much throw her off course.

I feel like....No I did, In the last few months make some choices in my life that were really bad. I fee I did, I try to sugar coat the bad I did to make it seem like I didn't have a problem to take seriously. For this, I began to push people away. I have disappointed a lot of people in the process as well, something, that just now, is really starting to get to me. I have no idea why it took so long to realize that I CAN'T be perfect and I make mistakes but at the same time, I need to go back to doing what is right for me and my son. I need to learn from these mistakes I have been making and improve my life choices.

I will say the things I have done aren't the end of the world. I DIDN'T start doing drugs or kill someone. Basically I just became irresponsible. I let the priorities in my life slip away. I worked for a good company in Boise, and although I may not have agreed with the way business was completely ran, they took care of me and paid me well and it was stable.

I am finding it hard to admit this problem out loud. Why I lost my job in Boise and why I am in Seattle. At the same time I feel like I need to let it out because for once I need to be honest and own up to my mistakes.

So, alcohol seems to be my demise. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic and in a sense I still don't. I don't drink everyday, in fact I can go weeks even months without a sip, but when I get started drinking, I feel like I cant stop. The night before I lost my job...I fell into that hole. I woke up late for work, missing my keys, phone, car, everything. I woke up in the bathtub, completely full and bathroom door locked. I could have killed myself. I looked all day for everything. I missed work completely and had no way to contact anyone. That day though, I didn't feel bad, and I should have. I made my whole family worry, my ex worry, my friends, and my whole work. I lost my job, a job that was paying me salary, and job I work my ass off at and a job where I worked my way to the top. I left myself with no way to pay bills or take care of my son. I completly ruined my life in Boise in one night!

It's a sad when something so insignificant can really take a hold of your life. I think my biggest problems lie with my mind. I have so much stress that I don't let out, that I keep inside and when I drink its like they disappear.

Just recently I moved to Seattle. It was one of the only places I was getting job offers at. Boise's economy is horrible and the opportunities for me there were slim. Seattle was close to friends and also a brand new start, where no one knew me. Something I feel like I need. In Seattle I have some new friends and at first I would go out, have one or two beers and go home and everything was fine. Until recently I feel like I'm heading down that same path again. I still wake up for work and do my job and I still work full hours and work my ass off, but now im distroying relationships, with people I care about.

I feel like my solution is to stop drinking until either 1: I get my life back on track or 2: just stop forever... Wow forever was a lot harder to type than I thought. At this point in time I feel like it is something that needs to be done. I just recently ruin a potential chance for a relationship due to my drinking. This being completely my fault or course and I deserve everything being thrown at me. It is the time though for me to get my life back on track. I'm 23 about to be 24 in May. I am smart and I have so many opportunities out there for me, and if i keep on this track all those opportunities will disappear. I will disappoint my brothers and sister (who are so very important to me and I want to be a good older sister to them), I will disappoint my son, my family, and friends.

Even more recently I am finally starting to see who I am and let my true colors shine through. I am starting to be happy again and starting to see who I really am and I enjoy that part of my life. I just need to break apart the pieces that aren't really a part of me. I need to start making more positive moves to my future.

As a side note. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to post about myself. The honest truth. Maybe not in full detail but close enough. I will say I have had my mouse on the post button for about 10 min. now.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Craziness in Seattle

So, just recently we had an apartment break in where I live. Very scary actually. The person broke on to the roof and stole a check book from the apartment and then got blood on the wall of the fifth floor as he tried to break into another apartment. I honestly thought finding who did this would be completely hopeless. No one saw anything or heard anything!

This same guy as leaving my building proceeded to get blood on the wall by the entrance and pull our plant completely out of the pot out front and drug it almost to the street. Which on my own I couldnt get the plant back in the pot, I had to get a manly hand to help.

Anyway, so like I said, this was going to be a waste of time for anyone trying to figure out who did this. Lucky for us, this person isnt very smart. So, this gentleman stole the guys check books and made checks out to himself and deposited them in his own account. When the resident came down to show me the checks i realized this guy lived in the apartments I rented. I wanted to laugh very hard because I see this guy everyday and he pretty much put a stamp on his forhead turning himself in.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wednesday in Seattle 10/21/09

She lays there, appearing to be drained of life. Her hands hang over the edge of the bed and her head sinking into her pillow. She stares blankly at the ceiling, not blinking once. He leans against the wall as he takes a large breath of air and buries his face into his hands. Nothing is said for a while, only the sound of footsteps from outside seem to fill the room. He pushes him self off the wall with his tear soaked hands, stepping towards where she lays and begins to speak, " I am..." then his voice drifts off into the distant halls as he bites his lip thinking of what to say.

She then closes her eyes and one tear slides down her cheek to the pillow, she is holding back her emotions and he can see in her eyes that she wants him to leave so she can release what she is holding inside.

"I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I swear it meant nothing." He finally chocks out the words, and his voice shaking as he tries to look her in the eyes.

Still silence, he just stares at her and she just stares at the wall. Nothing at this moment in time could make her feel less wanted. She now starts to believe everything said about failed relationships and so call "true love" and how its not real.

He tries to get closer and pull her stare from the wall, then he slowly lowers his eyes to the ground and drags his feets as he exits the room. There is nothing that he can say, nothing that he can do. She feels empty and alone.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Just recently, I made a huge move to Seattle. It isn't far from home if you look at it in distance. It about an 8 hour drive or a quick flight. If I look back at my life, though, it is a huge change for me. I have always been surrounded by people who have looked out for me and loved me, and for the first time I have separated myself from them as well as from the drama that flooded my life.

I felt like things were just getting more and more difficult in Boise. I have been through so much in the last 5-8 years and for some reason remaining there I couldn't find a way to let go of the past. Even though I find myself lonely here, I also find myself fitting in more here. I find that I feel like i know who i am better.

The hardest part of this move for me is the lack of time I will see my son. My ex-husband and I have worked out an every other month custody until my son starts school and then we will go from there. I haven't seen my son in almost 3 weeks now and it is the hardest time of my life. I would like to call everyday but I find it so hard to hear is voice. I look at videos in my phone of him and I can feel my heart being squeezed and my eyes swell up with tears. I just cant wait until i get to hold him again and kiss him. I think I have learned on thing though with not having my son here, I have learned that he is my strength. He is what keeps me going. I think about him and it hurts but at the same time, I remember why I moved here, for him and for me and to make sure I could provide for the both of us, and then it's not so hard.

This seem to still be hard with my ex and I. We have our good days and our bad, but at times i feel like we are on a race track just going in circles, and I get tired of feeling so clueless of how to end this cycle. It does seem like there are more good days than bad as of recently. Even today we got in a bicker of text messages and I just wanted to throw my phone. I found myself so angry that i finally just said f*&# it!! I just want this done. Which is hard because I still really care about him and want him in my life, but I just cant take the constant fighting and hate, it drains me.

I love Seattle though, the water and trees really make me happy, EVEN THE RAIN!! I am hoping this is a start to a new beginning for me and another road in the journey of my life.