Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The Breakups

The Breakup...that word can make most people uncomfortable. It is one of those things that everyone deals with since the moment they become interested in men and woman on an emotional level. I believe I started being attracted to the opposite sex when I was 10, I dated a young boy named Chase. He was in my class, and we were so called "boyfriend and girlfriend", if you can call it that in elementary school. I was the one to dump him. I don't remember what I said but I can recall that it wasn't fun nor easy, but it seemed more hard for him. Then from that moment on, I realized I would never be dumped.
I had boyfriends for most of my life. I was referred to as the heart breaker by my father. I always broke it off when things got to serious. All through junior high and high school I dreaded the sex talk or anything in a relationship that moved in that direction, so I would end it. I'm sure my dad really liked that I had control of that aspect.

So because I was always the dumpee, when I first got dumped it was crushing. I dated this guy named Greg. He was two years older than me, and I was a senior in high school. I really liked him. We didn't sleep together but our relationship got further than most and then one day he just said, "Lindsay it isn't working out." I was so baffled. How did he dump me? I would call him and stop by the gym to see if I could make it work and he would just continue to shut me down. It was horrible, but from that moment on it was like the next to boys I dated had the upper hand. Dumped by three boys my senior year of high school. I thought my life was ending.

Then into my first year in college, I took control again. I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't want one. I wanted control, so when it felt like I was in a relationship with someone, I would remind them that we were just dating, that it was nothing serious. Once again I regained my self dignity and became the dumpee once more.
This didn't last long though. I moved back home a year later and started dating my first serious boyfriend. 19 years old and thought I found "the one". I laugh now when I think about it, because we were not right for each other. We ended up being together for about a year and living together for most of that year. At the time, I would have done anything to make that relationship work. Even when I found out I was cheated on, I pretended it never happened. Him and I are friends now and even his wife and I. I have moved past that time, but when it occurred I was devastated. How could I be cheated on and dumped? Wasn't I suppose to dump someone who cheated on me? It was just unimaginable to me. Finding the dinner ticket from the date they went on, him lying to me for months about it, and then coming home to all my personal belongings waiting at the bottom of the stairs, he wouldn't even look at me, and he cheated on me. That was my first real breakup and my first real heartache, and even though I am way past that, I will always remember it.
I think that is how love is though. You remember the things that hurt the most, and the ones you loved the most. Currently I have been single for a year. I was married 3 years prior. I met him shortly after my last break up. I was pregnant with my ex's child and quite lonely. I love my ex-husband very much, but at time I see how we rushed everything. We wanted it to work so bad for my son and for us, but we fell apart. This was the hardest dump I have ever done. I remember the night pretty vividly. I was on the computer late at night and he came out and said, "what's wrong? You don't come to be anymore and you are never around." I just broke down crying, I wasn't in love with him anymore and that was the hardest thing to tell him. We went to counseling, we talked, and we dated more. Something for me was missing. I had completely given up on any hope of it working out, because I wanted that feeling again, and I was almost 100% sure we could never get it back.

We moved on and have been single for a year. I love him dearly, he is my best friend. Things changed though, and my perspective on love and relationships is so different now. I am not looking for marriage like I always thought I wanted, what every girl and woman wants. I just want a good relationship. Someone who makes me happy, someone I can spend time with and have a good time. I like laughing and I get tired of crying or being let down, so my expectations are so different now. When I date, I find it hard to turn someone down and tell them I'm not interested, I don't want to hurt them, but at the same time, I can usually tell by the second date if they are my type. So after that second date, my version of the breakup comes in. I talk to them less, I make myself busy, and I always continue to date. I am just dating right now and I don't know that I am ready for anything serious, but I know that if I came across a person I could have fun with and they were real, well I know that I wouldn't want to let them go. The way to safe guard myself from hurting someone, though, is by telling them I'm not looking for something serious, because one I'm not completely lying and two both of us can have a clean break in the end.

Regardless of how anyone sets themselves up in a relationship, break ups are hard. They are inevitable though. We have all had them, and most of them hurt for both parties involved.

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