The Breakups

The Breakup...that word can make most people uncomfortable. It is one of those things that everyone deals with since the moment they become interested in men and woman on an emotional level. I believe I started being attracted to the opposite sex when I was 10, I dated a young boy named Chase. He was in my class, and we were so called "boyfriend and girlfriend", if you can call it that in elementary school. I was the one to dump him. I don't remember what I said but I can recall that it wasn't fun nor easy, but it seemed more hard for him. Then from that moment on, I realized I would never be dumped.

I had boyfriends for most of my life. I was referred to as the heart breaker by my father. I always broke it off when things got to serious. All through junior high and high school I dreaded the sex talk or anything in a relationship that moved in that direction, so I would end it. I'm sure my dad really liked that I had control of that aspect.

So because I was always the dumpee, when I first got dumped it was crushing. I dated this guy named Greg. He was two years older than me, and I was a senior in high school. I really liked him. We didn't sleep together but our relationship got further than most and then one day he just said, "Lindsay it isn't working out." I was so baffled. How did he dump me? I would call him and stop by the gym to see if I could make it work and he would just continue to shut me down. It was horrible, but from that moment on it was like the next to boys I dated had the upper hand. Dumped by three boys my senior year of high school. I thought my life was ending.

Then into my first year in college, I took control again. I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't want one. I wanted control, so when it felt like I was in a relationship with someone, I would remind them that we were just dating, that it was nothing serious. Once again I regained my self dignity and became the dumpee once more.

This didn't last long though. I moved back home a year later and started dating my first serious boyfriend. 19 years old and thought I found "the one". I laugh now when I think about it, because we were not right for each other. We ended up being together for about a year and living together for most of that year. At the time, I would have done anything to make that relationship work. Even when I found out I was cheated on, I pretended it never happened. Him and I are friends now and even his wife and I. I have moved past that time, but when it occurred I was devastated. How could I be cheated on and dumped? Wasn't I suppose to dump someone who cheated on me? It was just unimaginable to me. Finding the dinner ticket from the date they went on, him lying to me for months about it, and then coming home to all my personal belongings waiting at the bottom of the stairs, he wouldn't even look at me, and he cheated on me. That was my first real breakup and my first real heartache, and even though I am way past that, I will always remember it.

I think that is how love is though. You remember the things that hurt the most, and the ones you loved the most. Currently I have been single for a year. I was married 3 years prior. I met him shortly after my last break up. I was pregnant with my ex's child and quite lonely. I love my ex-husband very much, but at time I see how we rushed everything. We wanted it to work so bad for my son and for us, but we fell apart. This was the hardest dump I have ever done. I remember the night pretty vividly. I was on the computer late at night and he came out and said, "what's wrong? You don't come to be anymore and you are never around." I just broke down crying, I wasn't in love with him anymore and that was the hardest thing to tell him. We went to counseling, we talked, and we dated more. Something for me was missing. I had completely given up on any hope of it working out, because I wanted that feeling again, and I was almost 100% sure we could never get it back.

We moved on and have been single for a year. I love him dearly, he is my best friend. Things changed though, and my perspective on love and relationships is so different now. I am not looking for marriage like I always thought I wanted, what every girl and woman wants. I just want a good relationship. Someone who makes me happy, someone I can spend time with and have a good time. I like laughing and I get tired of crying or being let down, so my expectations are so different now. When I date, I find it hard to turn someone down and tell them I'm not interested, I don't want to hurt them, but at the same time, I can usually tell by the second date if they are my type. So after that second date, my version of the breakup comes in. I talk to them less, I make myself busy, and I always continue to date. I am just dating right now and I don't know that I am ready for anything serious, but I know that if I came across a person I could have fun with and they were real, well I know that I wouldn't want to let them go. The way to safe guard myself from hurting someone, though, is by telling them I'm not looking for something serious, because one I'm not completely lying and two both of us can have a clean break in the end.

Regardless of how anyone sets themselves up in a relationship, break ups are hard. They are inevitable though. We have all had them, and most of them hurt for both parties involved.

Haven't Heard From You...

I haven't heard from you in a while, it's been 2 weekends since we talked and I haven't got a call. No message on my phone, nothing...not even to say hello.

I thought you cared, but it turns out you don't. I have left you alone and you can live your solo life in peace. Just remember, I don't need you either.

Regardless of all the good, I think the bad out weighed. And you're content with being alone and nothing can break your wall. So go on...don't turn around...and I'm gone...not coming back.

I can find someone new, I can suffice. I can be happy with out you, I am happy.

I'm strong, and I'm calling this a silent break-up, you go your way and I go mine. We don't have to look back.

I was fine before I met you, and now you're still insignificant in my life. so go on...don't turn around, because I'm gone...not coming back.

2am Heartbeat

As we stand here, I'm wrapped in your arms,

it's 2am as you're holding me near,
believe it or not I wish time would stop,
I've never had anyone make me feel this way,

You're amazing, You're like the stars in the sky
As you hold me on this January night,
You're amazing, youre the light in my life, as you stand here by my side

You ask to keep me, but I'm already yours,
since the first day I saw you looking at me,
Thats the day I never wanted to say goodbye.
Because you were already mine.

You're amazing, You're like the stars in the sky, As you hold me on this January night, You're amazing, you're the light in my life, as you stand here by my side.

You stole my heart from that first minute. You said you'd do anything to prove everyone wrong. cause I was worth it and you're worth this song. So lets burn like hell until our fire is gone.

I guess regardless of whatever comes next you are amazing and I'll never forget,The night you you held me at 2am, you kissed my forehead, I wished it would never end.

Yes you're amazing, and I'll always be yours, and I've never had anyone, make me feel this way.

It never gives

She sits there constantly trying to reason with herself and continuing to be with him. He drags her down by cheating, lying, and verbal abuse. Yet, she continues stay. It's the same story on a different day. His lies never change, he never tries, but she keeps coming back. He picks at her insecurities, making her feel so unimportant to where she feels like no one will accept her for who she is.

Even though she is beautiful and smart, she lets him treat her as though she is less. It will never give. She asks for advice she never plans to take, and she keeps letting herself go though the repeating circle.

She is blinded by their past and the so called "future". Even though everyone around can see his deceit, she tries to see past it and pushes on towards what they "could have". The sad thing is now she will never change because he wont allow her to. They will never change because he controls what they will be. He wont let anyone make the move because he has her king in check.

He shackled her before she could make any choices. He maneuvered himself in the drives seat and is riding their relationship on the edge, scaring her to where she doesn't want to leave, because she doesn't want to be alone. The truth is this story was done in the beginning.

Quiet Thursday

The space heater is right up against my black slacks, almost burning my left leg. I can't move it though, or I will start to get cold again. The air around me is cold, and the halls are quiet. I hear each one of the residents unlock the door, entering the building and as they walk by my office, they half heartily smile and wave. It is kind of a lonely day. Usually I get some visitors that stop by and chat, but today I only had my friend drop by. Just one visitor...slightly odd. The hallways are quiet. No sounds of music cascading through the halls, which isn't normal for this building. Everyone that lives in this vintage, 1900's building is so talented and usually their music and voices echo through the building. Not today.

These feelings usually keep me a little upbeat, but today I am feeling like crawling up to my 5th floor apartment and curling up under a blankets, all alone. It is a very weird thing how those sounds around have almost become my comfort. I prefer those sounds over a lover or company at times, they almost make me feel whole.

I'm quite sure this dreary weather has something to do with the quietness. It is just barely 5:00pm and the clouds are out and grey coloring fills the air. There is no rain, but it feels as though its pouring. Very few people have walked past my office today and no package deliveries. I have looked at my desk a million times trying to figure out something to do. I continually work on the web page for work, I post rental ads, and I try to think of lyrics to work on with Albert this weekend.

My mind is a bit blank though. The quietness around seems to be suffocating my thoughts. I am not even thinking about my past dates, my friends difficult situations, work, or much of anything. I wouldn't call this feeling I am having peaceful because it is more of a feeling of having nothing. It is almost like being in a room full of pictures, people laughing and talking, mingling, food, dancing, a colorful room; and then suddenly, everything that filled that room is gone. The room is empty.

Him

He is on my mind all the time and I cant stand him. He makes me so angry, he is so selfish and so rude. He pulled me in, he said the sweetest things to me and then he just slapped me in the face. It was like a few months of happiness and excitement for nothing. He pretends to know me, know what I am about, but he doesn't. Then he say in a sarcastic tone, "you think you're unique and different like everyone else?" Well I am and, yes, so is everyone else. We are all different and we all deserve some respect regardless of our education, background, race, or sex. We are all people.

He did show me some things even if I hate him. He showed me what it was like to be looked at, I mean really looked at. He watched me, and he told me what he thought was beautiful about me. He made me believe he really thought I was graceful, beautiful, and special.

He is selfish, and self centered. He fears stepping out of his own box to see what is out there, but then he accuses me of doing the same thing. So hypocritical, so two faced. He gets me steamed up and angry at times, making me tell him things that I don't feel comfortable telling, but he has never opened up to me. He discusses personal issues in my life that are none of his business but he refuses to do the same.

As much as I enjoy spending time with him, holding him, kissing him, enjoying his company, having a beer with him, holding his hand, laughing with him.....I hate him. I hate how he makes me feel. I hate what he does to me. Our last conversation made me hate him the most. It is like he doesn't care about what the other person is about or how he treats them as long as the outcome works in his favor. As long as he feels satisfied with the outcome. He doesn't apologize and he doesn't care. That's fine, I don't care either, I just wish I knew he was like that because I would have not cared sooner than I did. I just need to get him out of my head because he he set in his ways and is who he is. I don't expect him to change, but I want someone who respects me, someone who will want me. He could never do those things, even if I wish he could.

Lyrics

So Albert and I have started a new venture, thanks to a new friend. We are going to start writing songs. I love to write and so I have been putting some lyrics together, I am going to post them on here as I write the songs, but I think it is such a good way for me to get my writing out in another way, not just my short stories. I'm pretty excited about it. It is very new for me.

No Title:

He tears her apart
He tears her down
He makes her
feel worthless

Chorus (2x's):
she wants to run away
She wants to get away
but she has no where to go



the water runs
drowning all the sounds below
she lives in fear
shes all alone



Chorus (2x's)

She doesn't know who she is
she is beautiful
but she will never know
when she stays with him



Chorus (2x's)