Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Recent Thoughts

I read something recently on a craigslist post, it sincerely hit home. I copy and pasted it for you all to read:

I hate my life. I hate fucking up. I hate missed chances to grow up. I hate you. I hate the government's recklessness with peoples lives. I hate deception. I hate the idea of money. I hate bad people. I hate school. I hate greed. I hate the greed associated with money. I hate getting nothing in return. I hate the oil companies. I hate animal abusers. I hate people who lie that are not white lies & fuck you over. I hate girls in general after they all were the ones who cheated/lied/broke up the relationship. I hate not getting into college. I hate having to play catch up when it comes so easily to other people. I hate fake friends. I hate feeling greedy and dirty for wanting money for everyday things. I hate hangovers. I hate the way the world is headed. I hate being who I am and not who I want to be. I hate every little thing I fucked up/did wrong in the last 5+ years. I hate dwelling on shit I should have moved past years ago. I hate not being able to grow up. I hate the false idea of lasting love. I hate people who don't value life. I hate other people who don't get life's small pleasures. I hate employers who take every advantage they can from their employees. I hate that people all over the world want to kill one another over stupid shit like religion and money. I hate coming home and not having food ready after working hard. I hate people who are 2 faced. I hate Seattle and the depression that comes with living in such a fucking shitty place all your life.

It is a bit depressing but it got me to thinking, I feel the same way. The world seems greedy and selfish. I see friends, family, and all other people around me put themselves first. I remember a long time ago a family member telling me,

"why would you stick up for your friend or lie for your friend to keep them out of trouble? In the end they would never do it for you."

Although I have experienced this statement to be mainly true; I have also experienced a positive outcome from being the compassionate and caring person that I think I am today. I may let people walk all over me at times (although I am working on having a limit), I may have friends or family who take advantage of my kindness, and I know that I have a lot of family and friends who disrespect me, but I am not going to let that change how I am.

More of what this post on Craigslist showed me was that we can't ever change these things. Although I completely agree with this poster almost 100%, there is nothing we can do to change this or to change people. I find myself trying though. For so long I have tried to have people in my life (family and friends) respect me and love me, but I keep being let down by them. I remember just recently waking up and thinking to myself,

"There is nothing I can do, they will always treat me like this and they will never treat me out they treat certain other people in their lives. They have pushed me away, it's time to let go."

So I have, and it's weird but for these few people, I almost feel like I don't know them anymore. All they do is disappoint me and bring me down and to be quite honest make me fee like a piece of shit. I know who I am and I am proud of who I have become and the life I lead. Yes, I make mistakes and bad choices. I have done some things in my life that I don't usually speak of and that I would never refer to as my shinning moments, but I learned from those mistakes, and I have done what I can to make myself stronger. I think I have learned from family and friends and thank those who have helped get me to where I am, but I also know that the shitty choices my family and friends have made are what helped me make some of my positive choices.

I'm thankful for those in my life who have stuck by me from day one, saw me through my hardest moments and helped push me to the other side, those that were there for the good times and that bad, and spoke good of me even when I wasn't what they expected me to be, or doing what they expected me to do. Those that appreciated that I would make my own choices and that I would have to deal with the outcome, but that they would still have my back either way. I know who they all are; and I love each and every one of them for being that special person in my life.

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