Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Moment After

I seem to be having those "moment after" feelings quite often. I say or do something that really hurts someones feelings or pushes them away and think after, "what the hell Lindsay, you need to fix this." It's never something horribly rude where someone is left crying or physically hurt; It is usually something selfish. Something where I seem to care more about myself than this other person. It's rude really, and makes me upset with myself. Today I am having the "moment after" feeling.

If you know me or keep up with my blogging, I quit drinking for a short period of time, and now I hardly drink when I do. Well that leads to a low tolerance of alcohol. The hard thing for me, is something that sits in the back of my mind eats at me more when I drink. I went out last night and had a few drinks. I wasn't hammered at all, not even close, but I was tipsy. So, because of this, my current worries about my relationship started suffocating my thoughts. First thing I brought up when I started talking to my boyfriend was "why are we together?" I kept bringing up how he was leaving Seattle eventually and I don't plan on moving, so what is the point of dating. It's like I lost all respect for our relationship and him. Then I pouted the night away, basically being a real bitch, while his true colors showed. You know what? He is an incredibly amazing man. Not once did he call me a name or yell at me or anything. Now I feel even worse for how I treated him.

He went to work early this morning, and I haven't had a chance to talk to him all day about last night. I am really hoping he understands and forgives me. I ended up doing what I do best and pulled out my pencil and notebook and wrote him a letter. I explained myself the best I could without leaving myself too vulnerable (not sure I'm totally ready to expose myself).

I know a letter is so lame and cliche, but it's the best way to get my thoughts out. I just left the note tucked between his door knob and door jam. I guess I hope he will read it and be forgiving and then everything can move on. Who knows though really, I mean I should have been more respectful and apologized the minute I knew he would be up for work. I should have said sorry because no one deserves to be treated like that. Granted, it wasn't like I screamed at him or called him names I just pushed him away. Something I seem to be good at when I am afraid of approaching a situation like a grown up adult.


Rambler said...

Try to just stay in the moment. To borrow from a bad movie. I've heard of the future, never seen it. Sounds like bullshit to me.

I over analyze every relationship I'm in. I am always halfway out the door and then I wonder why I get hurt. Since I got sober, I make it a point to just stay in the present. It does help.

OK, no more shrink stuff from your fellow dark writer.

Lindsays said...

Ha ha, thanks dear. I forgot I posted this. Needless to say him and I are no longer together. I guess different paths for us. SIngle life has never been that bad, just a little lonely but most days I would pick lonely over drama.