I lay here as mascara bleeds down my face,
You pin me down, grasp my wrists,
You won't let me go, and I feel alone.
It hurts...the way you make me feel,
You use and abuse me as if I were a doll.
I feel wrothless and disappointed by you.
I try to scream but the alcohol drowns out my voice,
You ignore my tears and continue to push yourself on to me,
You won't let me go, and I can't struggle myself free.
You attack me and contort my body against yours,
No matter how hard I pull,
You have all the control.
Finally, I give up and give in to your power,
You win and I'm wishing I was dying.
You smile and I cringe and you know what you've done,
You're like a drug, an addiction, that I can't shake free from.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Let Down
The feeling is sensational,
The way someone can make you feel amazing,
butterflies fluttering in your stomach,
Smiles elongated across your face,
Rosy cheeks, and bright eyes,
Everything feels right.
Then the day comes,
The spit in the face,
The fall from the clouds,
Push down the stairs,
Rain drops from the heavens.
They let you down.
You had let yourself go,
Gave it a chance,
Put faith in trying...one more time,
Now you're left all alone,
Knees tucked into chest,
Tears trailing across your skin.
Maybe you aren't so much sad,
More so confused...
Thoughts linger through your mind,
Your body shows confusion,
Lost faith, lost hope, lost trust, lost drive.
Letting go maybe be easy,
but moving on is hard.
Forgetting all those feelings isn't as hard as you though,
but getting them back is harder than you remember.
Lust and love are no longer good feelings,
they turn into dreams, lies, and wishes.
The let down, the break up, the split...
The end.
The way someone can make you feel amazing,
butterflies fluttering in your stomach,
Smiles elongated across your face,
Rosy cheeks, and bright eyes,
Everything feels right.
Then the day comes,
The spit in the face,
The fall from the clouds,
Push down the stairs,
Rain drops from the heavens.
They let you down.
You had let yourself go,
Gave it a chance,
Put faith in trying...one more time,
Now you're left all alone,
Knees tucked into chest,
Tears trailing across your skin.
Maybe you aren't so much sad,
More so confused...
Thoughts linger through your mind,
Your body shows confusion,
Lost faith, lost hope, lost trust, lost drive.
Letting go maybe be easy,
but moving on is hard.
Forgetting all those feelings isn't as hard as you though,
but getting them back is harder than you remember.
Lust and love are no longer good feelings,
they turn into dreams, lies, and wishes.
The let down, the break up, the split...
The end.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Selfish
You are so Selfish,
All you think about is money and you!
You wonder why I left and what you did wrong,
maybe if you opened you re eyes you would see who you really are,
You and your friends have always been number one,
You make yourself seem like such a good guy,
but you can't wake up and make changes to make yourself a better person.
You bring me down, trying to rip me apart.
Go ahead, I'm done with you shit,
I'm moving on and I'm forgetting about the good,
You have left me with so much pain,
so much confusion, and so much regret.
I never believed in regret until I met you.
You have always had the easy road the one that takes you to where you want to go,
You have never had to work for anything, so you never even worked for us.
You pretend like you have no idea why I hurt and why I am mad,
You are an idiot,
think about what you said, think about the things you have done.
You don't say thank you, you don't say please,
You just expect things to work out your way,
and when they don't you act like a baby.
Wipe your tears, grow some balls, and be a man.
Or do you even know what it means to be a man?
All you think about is money and you!
You wonder why I left and what you did wrong,
maybe if you opened you re eyes you would see who you really are,
You and your friends have always been number one,
You make yourself seem like such a good guy,
but you can't wake up and make changes to make yourself a better person.
You bring me down, trying to rip me apart.
Go ahead, I'm done with you shit,
I'm moving on and I'm forgetting about the good,
You have left me with so much pain,
so much confusion, and so much regret.
I never believed in regret until I met you.
You have always had the easy road the one that takes you to where you want to go,
You have never had to work for anything, so you never even worked for us.
You pretend like you have no idea why I hurt and why I am mad,
You are an idiot,
think about what you said, think about the things you have done.
You don't say thank you, you don't say please,
You just expect things to work out your way,
and when they don't you act like a baby.
Wipe your tears, grow some balls, and be a man.
Or do you even know what it means to be a man?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
what brings you around?
What is it that draws you to me? 
What makes you need me?
You come when you want to and seem to disregard what I need.
You are selfish and self centered, consumed by yourself.
You look past everyone to stare in the mirror.
When things seem to go normal,
you up and leave,
no calls answered, no messages left, you are just gone.
I guess I'm not what you need right now,
I think I don't ever want to be what you need.
I wish you would leave for good,
shut the door, turn the lock, keep me out.
Don't come back, don't turn around.
Keep walking.
You have yourself, and that's all you'll need,
So don't drag me down anymore.
If you taught me one thing,
it was,
Not to trust my heart,
because it can't see past a mans bullshit.
I hope you are happy,
as a pawn in your game,
You will never be a king,
No matter how are you try,
because you can't even keep a queen,
and this is goodbye!
What makes you need me?
You come when you want to and seem to disregard what I need.
You are selfish and self centered, consumed by yourself.
You look past everyone to stare in the mirror.
When things seem to go normal,
you up and leave,
no calls answered, no messages left, you are just gone.
I guess I'm not what you need right now,
I think I don't ever want to be what you need.
I wish you would leave for good,
shut the door, turn the lock, keep me out.
Don't come back, don't turn around.
Keep walking.
You have yourself, and that's all you'll need,
So don't drag me down anymore.
If you taught me one thing,
it was,
Not to trust my heart,
because it can't see past a mans bullshit.
I hope you are happy,
as a pawn in your game,
You will never be a king,
No matter how are you try,
because you can't even keep a queen,
and this is goodbye!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Lonely
Sometimes people can make you feel empty and alone,
like they aren't listening, like they don't care.
Often times you can have a passenger in your car,
but feel as though you are driving alone on a dark road.
You can be walking down streets filled with people,
and not hear a sound.
Every word spoken is hollow, meaningless, and dead.
It's cold and harmless but still hurtful.
...
Then you begin to not listen to them,
You block out their words and their ideas,
You just want to be alone,
and feel as though you have for so long...so alone...for so long.
You dangle on the thought of their being more,
more love, more warmth, more compassion...
But you are alone and so are they,
even when you are right next to each other,
you both are so alone.
like they aren't listening, like they don't care.
Often times you can have a passenger in your car,
but feel as though you are driving alone on a dark road.
You can be walking down streets filled with people,
and not hear a sound.
Every word spoken is hollow, meaningless, and dead.
It's cold and harmless but still hurtful.
...
Then you begin to not listen to them,
You block out their words and their ideas,
You just want to be alone,
and feel as though you have for so long...so alone...for so long.
You dangle on the thought of their being more,
more love, more warmth, more compassion...
But you are alone and so are they,
even when you are right next to each other,
you both are so alone.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Invisible Neglected Supporter
Sometimes she feels like the invisible supporter,
She is always there, supporting and lending an ear,
and when they ask for advice she gives it.
Sometimes when the table is turned,
There is no one there to support her,
She feels alone, unwanted.
She watches people choose these bad people,
these bad choices, over good choices and it hurts her,
it hurts her to see them fail, continually.
Even though they could pick the great potential choices,
they choose the ones that bring them down.
She tries to close her eyes, hide the bad, see past them.
She can't ever get "past them".
They are a part of her and always will be.
People tell her to separate herself from them,
"it's not your life, it's not your worry"
but regardless of what they say,
she continues to care.
She knows there has to be a point where she lets go,
She moves on,
She lets them have their life with out letting it destroy hers,
will she, can she find it?
She is always there, supporting and lending an ear,
and when they ask for advice she gives it.
Sometimes when the table is turned,
There is no one there to support her,
She feels alone, unwanted.
She watches people choose these bad people,
these bad choices, over good choices and it hurts her,
it hurts her to see them fail, continually.
Even though they could pick the great potential choices,
they choose the ones that bring them down.
She tries to close her eyes, hide the bad, see past them.
She can't ever get "past them".
They are a part of her and always will be.
People tell her to separate herself from them,
"it's not your life, it's not your worry"
but regardless of what they say,
she continues to care.
She knows there has to be a point where she lets go,
She moves on,
She lets them have their life with out letting it destroy hers,
will she, can she find it?
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Last Two Days
It overwhelms me,
The people around me are opening my eyes,
Who can you trust anymore,
And is there such thing as love,
I don't know know that I believe there is.
Heartbreak, sadness, loneliness...
deceit, infidelity, spiteful...
You people break down our walls,
We open up,
We let you in,
And then when it all comes crashing down,
You leave us there and blame us.
We are better without you though,
We will push on,
We will be happy,
We deserve better,
And you are nothing to us anymore.
Selfish, hurtful, and now single.
You will never find happiness until you fix who you are,
And you will never be with anyone and until you open your eyes,
And learn to respect the ones that treat you right.
The people around me are opening my eyes,
Who can you trust anymore,
And is there such thing as love,
I don't know know that I believe there is.
Heartbreak, sadness, loneliness...
deceit, infidelity, spiteful...
You people break down our walls,
We open up,
We let you in,
And then when it all comes crashing down,
You leave us there and blame us.
We are better without you though,
We will push on,
We will be happy,
We deserve better,
And you are nothing to us anymore.
Selfish, hurtful, and now single.
You will never find happiness until you fix who you are,
And you will never be with anyone and until you open your eyes,
And learn to respect the ones that treat you right.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Life Standing Still....
Sitting in the bathtub, trying to ignore the screams below.
I hear things being tossed around, loud bangs, a deep voice, hate, pain.
The door slams, garage opens, car pulls out, and from below she screams.
I jump up, wrap the towel around me, water dripping from all limbs and from my hair.
I unlock the door, swing it open, and dash down the stairs.
Suddenly, I stop at the stair case landing and stare.
I'm scared, I'm hurt.
I feel the world stop, I feel my heart beat, and I feel time go in slow motion.
I see red, and she is crying.
My knees get weak, and I drop to the ground.
I try to compose myself but I can't think.
I cry out to her, I crawl down the stairs gripping the towel with one hand.
I have to save her, she has to be ok.
The red slithers through the parts in the tile.
Thump, thump, thump...my heart.
Drip, drop, drip....my tears.
She is on her knees, trying to clean up the mess, not aware of her pain.
I wish this would go away, but she's alive, she is still here, I haven't lost her yet.
I still have time to save her.
I hear things being tossed around, loud bangs, a deep voice, hate, pain.
The door slams, garage opens, car pulls out, and from below she screams.
I jump up, wrap the towel around me, water dripping from all limbs and from my hair.
I unlock the door, swing it open, and dash down the stairs.
Suddenly, I stop at the stair case landing and stare.
I'm scared, I'm hurt.
I feel the world stop, I feel my heart beat, and I feel time go in slow motion.
I see red, and she is crying.
My knees get weak, and I drop to the ground.
I try to compose myself but I can't think.
I cry out to her, I crawl down the stairs gripping the towel with one hand.
I have to save her, she has to be ok.
The red slithers through the parts in the tile.
Thump, thump, thump...my heart.
Drip, drop, drip....my tears.
She is on her knees, trying to clean up the mess, not aware of her pain.
I wish this would go away, but she's alive, she is still here, I haven't lost her yet.
I still have time to save her.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Controlling Her
Walls come down around her, letting the darkness in to surround her. She has her arms wrapped tightly around her scared knees,
Her heart is breaking as the tears are lingering on the way down her cheek.
She takes a deep breath, trying to hold back the hurt, the pain, the disappointment.
He always lets her down, never staying true to what he promises.
He doesn't respect her for who she is, he expects her to be who he wants.
Pointing out her flaws and "disfunctions", never seeing her beauty and heart.
Calling her names, beating her down, he controls what they are, and he controls who she will be.
She isn't alone in this world, but she is blinded by his wrath.
Too caught up to see past him, to the ones who accept who she is.
Friends begin to avoid her, to them she brings on depression and delusion.
They want her to leave, and they know it would be best but she continues to say.
She puts up with his abuse in more ways than one and can't break free.
She corners herself, leaving no way out, and she only cares for what they COULD have.
He promises change, he promises hope for the future, but he means nothing he says.
His selfish rage leaves no room for growth, and they are going no where, just a dead end road.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Haven't Heard From You...
I haven't heard from you in a while, it's been 2 weekends since we talked and I haven't got a call. No message on my phone, nothing...not even to say hello.
I thought you cared, but it turns out you don't. I have left you alone and you can live your solo life in peace. Just remember, I don't need you either.
Regardless of all the good, I think the bad out weighed. And you're content with being alone and nothing can break your wall. So go on...don't turn around...and I'm gone...not coming back.
I can find someone new, I can suffice. I can be happy with out you, I am happy.
I'm strong, and I'm calling this a silent break-up, you go your way and I go mine. We don't have to look back.
I was fine before I met you, and now you're still insignificant in my life. so go on...don't turn around, because I'm gone...not coming back.
I thought you cared, but it turns out you don't. I have left you alone and you can live your solo life in peace. Just remember, I don't need you either.
Regardless of all the good, I think the bad out weighed. And you're content with being alone and nothing can break your wall. So go on...don't turn around...and I'm gone...not coming back.
I can find someone new, I can suffice. I can be happy with out you, I am happy.
I'm strong, and I'm calling this a silent break-up, you go your way and I go mine. We don't have to look back.
I was fine before I met you, and now you're still insignificant in my life. so go on...don't turn around, because I'm gone...not coming back.
Friday, February 5, 2010
It never gives
She sits there constantly trying to reason with herself and continuing to be with him. He drags her down by cheating, lying, and verbal abuse. Yet, she continues stay. It's the same story on a different day. His lies never change, he never tries, but she keeps coming back. He picks at her insecurities, making her feel so unimportant to where she feels like no one will accept her for who she is.
Even though she is beautiful and smart, she lets him treat her as though she is less. It will never give. She asks for advice she never plans to take, and she keeps letting herself go though the repeating circle.
She is blinded by their past and the so called "future". Even though everyone around can see his deceit, she tries to see past it and pushes on towards what they "could have". The sad thing is now she will never change because he wont allow her to. They will never change because he controls what they will be. He wont let anyone make the move because he has her king in check.
He shackled her before she could make any choices. He maneuvered himself in the drives seat and is riding their relationship on the edge, scaring her to where she doesn't want to leave, because she doesn't want to be alone. The truth is this story was done in the beginning.
Even though she is beautiful and smart, she lets him treat her as though she is less. It will never give. She asks for advice she never plans to take, and she keeps letting herself go though the repeating circle.
She is blinded by their past and the so called "future". Even though everyone around can see his deceit, she tries to see past it and pushes on towards what they "could have". The sad thing is now she will never change because he wont allow her to. They will never change because he controls what they will be. He wont let anyone make the move because he has her king in check.
He shackled her before she could make any choices. He maneuvered himself in the drives seat and is riding their relationship on the edge, scaring her to where she doesn't want to leave, because she doesn't want to be alone. The truth is this story was done in the beginning.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Truth
Yesterday was probably the first day in a long time that I really took a long look at my life. I started to realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I have very few people come into my life and speak honestly to me about who I am and the things I do. For the most part I do an amazing job of hiding any pain, sadness, or frustrations; and from the outside most people look at me and see a hard working woman that doesn't let much throw her off course.
I feel like....No I did, In the last few months make some choices in my life that were really bad. I fee like...no I did, I try to sugar coat the bad I did to make it seem like I didn't have a problem to take seriously. For this, I began to push people away. I have disappointed a lot of people in the process as well, something, that just now, is really starting to get to me. I have no idea why it took so long to realize that I CAN'T be perfect and I make mistakes but at the same time, I need to go back to doing what is right for me and my son. I need to learn from these mistakes I have been making and improve my life choices.
I will say the things I have done aren't the end of the world. I DIDN'T start doing drugs or kill someone. Basically I just became irresponsible. I let the priorities in my life slip away. I worked for a good company in Boise, and although I may not have agreed with the way business was completely ran, they took care of me and paid me well and it was stable.
I am finding it hard to admit this problem out loud. Why I lost my job in Boise and why I am in Seattle. At the same time I feel like I need to let it out because for once I need to be honest and own up to my mistakes.
So, alcohol seems to be my demise. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic and in a sense I still don't. I don't drink everyday, in fact I can go weeks even months without a sip, but when I get started drinking, I feel like I cant stop. The night before I lost my job...I fell into that hole. I woke up late for work, missing my keys, phone, car, everything. I woke up in the bathtub, completely full and bathroom door locked. I could have killed myself. I looked all day for everything. I missed work completely and had no way to contact anyone. That day though, I didn't feel bad, and I should have. I made my whole family worry, my ex worry, my friends, and my whole work. I lost my job, a job that was paying me salary, and job I work my ass off at and a job where I worked my way to the top. I left myself with no way to pay bills or take care of my son. I completly ruined my life in Boise in one night!
It's a sad when something so insignificant can really take a hold of your life. I think my biggest problems lie with my mind. I have so much stress that I don't let out, that I keep inside and when I drink its like they disappear.
Just recently I moved to Seattle. It was one of the only places I was getting job offers at. Boise's economy is horrible and the opportunities for me there were slim. Seattle was close to friends and also a brand new start, where no one knew me. Something I feel like I need. In Seattle I have some new friends and at first I would go out, have one or two beers and go home and everything was fine. Until recently I feel like I'm heading down that same path again. I still wake up for work and do my job and I still work full hours and work my ass off, but now im distroying relationships, with people I care about.
I feel like my solution is to stop drinking until either 1: I get my life back on track or 2: just stop forever... Wow forever was a lot harder to type than I thought. At this point in time I feel like it is something that needs to be done. I just recently ruin a potential chance for a relationship due to my drinking. This being completely my fault or course and I deserve everything being thrown at me. It is the time though for me to get my life back on track. I'm 23 about to be 24 in May. I am smart and I have so many opportunities out there for me, and if i keep on this track all those opportunities will disappear. I will disappoint my brothers and sister (who are so very important to me and I want to be a good older sister to them), I will disappoint my son, my family, and friends.
Even more recently I am finally starting to see who I am and let my true colors shine through. I am starting to be happy again and starting to see who I really am and I enjoy that part of my life. I just need to break apart the pieces that aren't really a part of me. I need to start making more positive moves to my future.
As a side note. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to post about myself. The honest truth. Maybe not in full detail but close enough. I will say I have had my mouse on the post button for about 10 min. now.
I feel like....No I did, In the last few months make some choices in my life that were really bad. I fee like...no I did, I try to sugar coat the bad I did to make it seem like I didn't have a problem to take seriously. For this, I began to push people away. I have disappointed a lot of people in the process as well, something, that just now, is really starting to get to me. I have no idea why it took so long to realize that I CAN'T be perfect and I make mistakes but at the same time, I need to go back to doing what is right for me and my son. I need to learn from these mistakes I have been making and improve my life choices.
I will say the things I have done aren't the end of the world. I DIDN'T start doing drugs or kill someone. Basically I just became irresponsible. I let the priorities in my life slip away. I worked for a good company in Boise, and although I may not have agreed with the way business was completely ran, they took care of me and paid me well and it was stable.
I am finding it hard to admit this problem out loud. Why I lost my job in Boise and why I am in Seattle. At the same time I feel like I need to let it out because for once I need to be honest and own up to my mistakes.
So, alcohol seems to be my demise. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic and in a sense I still don't. I don't drink everyday, in fact I can go weeks even months without a sip, but when I get started drinking, I feel like I cant stop. The night before I lost my job...I fell into that hole. I woke up late for work, missing my keys, phone, car, everything. I woke up in the bathtub, completely full and bathroom door locked. I could have killed myself. I looked all day for everything. I missed work completely and had no way to contact anyone. That day though, I didn't feel bad, and I should have. I made my whole family worry, my ex worry, my friends, and my whole work. I lost my job, a job that was paying me salary, and job I work my ass off at and a job where I worked my way to the top. I left myself with no way to pay bills or take care of my son. I completly ruined my life in Boise in one night!
It's a sad when something so insignificant can really take a hold of your life. I think my biggest problems lie with my mind. I have so much stress that I don't let out, that I keep inside and when I drink its like they disappear.
Just recently I moved to Seattle. It was one of the only places I was getting job offers at. Boise's economy is horrible and the opportunities for me there were slim. Seattle was close to friends and also a brand new start, where no one knew me. Something I feel like I need. In Seattle I have some new friends and at first I would go out, have one or two beers and go home and everything was fine. Until recently I feel like I'm heading down that same path again. I still wake up for work and do my job and I still work full hours and work my ass off, but now im distroying relationships, with people I care about.
I feel like my solution is to stop drinking until either 1: I get my life back on track or 2: just stop forever... Wow forever was a lot harder to type than I thought. At this point in time I feel like it is something that needs to be done. I just recently ruin a potential chance for a relationship due to my drinking. This being completely my fault or course and I deserve everything being thrown at me. It is the time though for me to get my life back on track. I'm 23 about to be 24 in May. I am smart and I have so many opportunities out there for me, and if i keep on this track all those opportunities will disappear. I will disappoint my brothers and sister (who are so very important to me and I want to be a good older sister to them), I will disappoint my son, my family, and friends.
Even more recently I am finally starting to see who I am and let my true colors shine through. I am starting to be happy again and starting to see who I really am and I enjoy that part of my life. I just need to break apart the pieces that aren't really a part of me. I need to start making more positive moves to my future.
As a side note. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to post about myself. The honest truth. Maybe not in full detail but close enough. I will say I have had my mouse on the post button for about 10 min. now.
Friday, September 4, 2009
holding your life in my hand
I hate this feeling. I hate when my heart feels like its bleeding for you because I'm scared you will do something to end your life. You call yourself worthless and a piece of shit. I don't know what to do to show you that you are more than that. I am sorry we didn't work out, but you are not nothing. You make me fear for you and you make me wish we had never been, even though some of the best times i have ever had were with you. I feel like you are being selfish holding on to me and selfish making me hurt for you. Its not fair to make me worry that you will end your life. You know i love you with all my heart, and I know deep inside you know we didn't work but you keep on making me feel guilty and you keep me worrying for you .
Today you at 1 am you texted me telling me how worthless you were and didn't pick up your phone when I called. You wont tell me what the fuck is going on. All i hear from everyone is how depressed you are and all I hear from you is how much you can't live without me. What do i do, I cant take your stress I cant take this feeling like I'm a horrible person. I seriously feel like my life is falling apart more and more because I am so damn worried about you ending your life.
Please get help, please realize who you are and how amazing you are. Stop accusing me, and stop making me feel like the only way to make you live is to be with you!
Today you at 1 am you texted me telling me how worthless you were and didn't pick up your phone when I called. You wont tell me what the fuck is going on. All i hear from everyone is how depressed you are and all I hear from you is how much you can't live without me. What do i do, I cant take your stress I cant take this feeling like I'm a horrible person. I seriously feel like my life is falling apart more and more because I am so damn worried about you ending your life.
Please get help, please realize who you are and how amazing you are. Stop accusing me, and stop making me feel like the only way to make you live is to be with you!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Happiness
I find it sad that happiness can be found in separation and in parting ways. Those two words seem sad and distant. How does time change something so much so that it no longer is what it once was, and how does time pull two people apart from where they once started. I can see how this is the right thing and i can see how time has changed us both but it is hard to see when it started and how it happened. I know you think this is easy for me but it isn't. I know i will have days of loneliness and fear but i know that if you can be happy, i don't want to take anything away from you to get you where you need and want to be. I dont want to hold you back from who you are and all you could be. Regardless of what we go through and what else changes with us. I love you and will always keep you in my heart. You know more about me than most people know about me and i respect you completely.
Monday, March 30, 2009
I feel lost in my state of confusion
Constantly I feel like I know the choices I should be making with the situation I am in, but i find myself confused and unsure of how to take those steps. I feel as though if I stay on this path, people will see this person I could be and see pieces of who I really am, but if I take the path I know I should take then I can let myself be me and really shine. It just seems so much harder then the words I speak and think. I know life isn't easy, but choices that involves others well beings seem to be the hardest choices to make. A choice that would crush someones world for a few months or longer but could open doors for everyone in the situation.
I wish it could be simple, and I know that wont happen, and at times I wish others would make this choice for me, it would be easier. I know everyone must see it, and I feel like I can be fake because I had behind this wall of fear and blame that I don't let myself open up to many. This confusion is driving me crazy, and these emotions are making me want to scream. I know in time, life will figure itself out, I just wish I knew how long this would be.
I wish it could be simple, and I know that wont happen, and at times I wish others would make this choice for me, it would be easier. I know everyone must see it, and I feel like I can be fake because I had behind this wall of fear and blame that I don't let myself open up to many. This confusion is driving me crazy, and these emotions are making me want to scream. I know in time, life will figure itself out, I just wish I knew how long this would be.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
....
Life is interwined with the barbedwire fence. Electricity powers through bringing all life that touches it to its end. Rain rides on the metal, making sparks dance. The rain drops dripping from the barbed wire, to the moist ground. The evening was silent and the moving world around seemed distant. Her eyes scanned the surrounding, in fear she slowly stepped forward, staring into the mangled mess. Calapsing to her knees, tears cascading down her face, she grabbed the hands of the deceased as she began to fall apart. Her heart was pounding loudly and her screams were even louder. The body lays strangled, lifeless, and with nothing else to give.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Is it gone?
I am sitting her numb as hell. I am so mystified and so lost. I have no idea why I am here and what I’m supposed to learn. I feel like sitting on the ground, pulling my knees to my chest, and weeping. Why does life have to be so complex? I know there are people all around going through worse, but I still can’t release my pain. You waited so long and now you say you are back, you want to try. What does that mean, why did you wait so long? I haven’t cried for so long but I just feel the tears coming up and wanting to burst. What is this love? What will ever come of it, and why can’t we know what is best? I hate you for doing this to me and for making me question who I am and what I need. I hate you for being gone for so long and never trying to save this relationship, and now I don’t know if it can be saved. I feel like I have taken away who you are and what you believe, that was never my intention, I wanted you… all of you; now I don’t know who you are or who we are. I can’t kiss you without feeling like I’m kissing a stranger, I can’t hold you without wondering who I am holding. Can we ever get what we once had back? Can you ever be you, can I be me; and can we still be you and I? I don’t know if we can…I don’t know if I want that anymore.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
The Past
So I wrote some stuff a while back like 5 years ago but I wanted to share it.
Never Gone
It will always be there now. The words he spoke linger in their halls. Every room has a bad memory except for her and her brothers. Those are the only places she can go to get away. Every time she hears breaking dishes or loud bangs it brings back all the fighting and yelling she has endured. It won't go away. Every hole in the wall imprints the hate and even after the anger is covered up, you an still see the fear.
She tries to bring happiness by being more upbeat but the discomfort of her mother brings her fathers roaring thunder. She turns the bath water on and lets it run through the drain, drowning out the screams below. Tiptoeing to her bedroom she turns on the radio until the noises subside. The words they shouted play over in her head. Every hateful word they said leaves so much anger and pain. She dreads every argument counting down the years, months, and days until she leaves.
Holding her brothers in her arms and closing her eyes, trying to get away form this hell. Her brother gently wipes the tears that slowing fall down her cheek. Tenderly, she tucks her brothers into bed and the sleep until early morning. When they wake all the fear is gone, only to know it will begin again later on.
Never Gone
It will always be there now. The words he spoke linger in their halls. Every room has a bad memory except for her and her brothers. Those are the only places she can go to get away. Every time she hears breaking dishes or loud bangs it brings back all the fighting and yelling she has endured. It won't go away. Every hole in the wall imprints the hate and even after the anger is covered up, you an still see the fear.
She tries to bring happiness by being more upbeat but the discomfort of her mother brings her fathers roaring thunder. She turns the bath water on and lets it run through the drain, drowning out the screams below. Tiptoeing to her bedroom she turns on the radio until the noises subside. The words they shouted play over in her head. Every hateful word they said leaves so much anger and pain. She dreads every argument counting down the years, months, and days until she leaves.
Holding her brothers in her arms and closing her eyes, trying to get away form this hell. Her brother gently wipes the tears that slowing fall down her cheek. Tenderly, she tucks her brothers into bed and the sleep until early morning. When they wake all the fear is gone, only to know it will begin again later on.
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