Bad Days

Bad days are like car crashes at the end of a great day,
It's like the world stops moving for the brief second,
and the only thing you can see is negative situation,
nothing else.

Bad days wrap around your mind,
intermingling itself through out your blood cells,
controlling your body, your thoughts, your ideas.

Sometimes, bad days blind you,
Forcing you only to see the bad.
You walk past all the good and walk past all the beauty,
only seeing dark.

The bad days can make choices harder to make,
they can make the day seem long and endless,
and at times you will feel like the world is against you,
like no one care about you,
or even wants to help you.

Bad days suck, and the only way past them is the next day,
and hoping that the next day will be a good day.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day!

Worth trying?

There always seems to come times in my life where I honestly wonder, is this worth trying for? It happens in relationships, work, friends, and many other things. It is something that I struggle with, trying to recognize what is really something that will benefit me or what is something that might just bring me down.

This move to Seattle was a huge choice. That was something I really thought about and contemplated whether it was worth the move or not. So far it has been completely worth it. Then there was the split with my ex and whether or not it was worth trying again for, that ended up being shot down and we quickly realized that wouldn't work.

My latest battle is whether some of the dates I have been on are worth anything more than just a date. Most of the guys are great people, someone I could see myself being good friends with. A few are assholes that I have to just cut from my life. Then there is the much hated friend zone dates. The people you date that deserve a great girlfriend because they are nice, stable, and just real people; but no matter how you look at the person you see no physical or mental connection, not an ounce of chemistry. This drives me insane! I seem to cling to the selfish, egotistical man that could care only about himself and cares more about his personal belongings than having an actual relationship/friendship with anyone. This describes my man hunting skills.

So then I run into the guy that is just a down to earth, nice guy and there is no attraction. Why? I feel like I am the reason for the stereotype "girls date the bad boys". So maybe Mr. Nice guy will not be the right guy for me? Although, I keep wanting someone that can treat me right. So I give the "nice guys" a chance, thinking just maybe something will spark and that maybe this feeling just takes time, but its so uncomfortable and awkward. It becomes one of the underlining questions, "is it really worth trying?"

My friends advice on the situation is usually if you don't like him just tell him and leave it at that. My question is, what if there could be something more? I have seen many people who meet someone they don't see themselves with and in the end they fall madly in love and can't spend their lives without the other person. So if I walk away from these "nice guys" and not give them a chance, will I be missing out?

It definitely isn't an easy question to answer, because giving them a chance could lead them to think I am using them for free dinner or a free date. This is not something I want to be portrayed as, although I don't mind the free meals and date, it's just not my intention.

I guess that question, "is it worth it?" will just always linger until I actually give someone a chance and see where things can lead.

The Truth

Yesterday was probably the first day in a long time that I really took a long look at my life. I started to realize some things about myself that I never realized before. I have very few people come into my life and speak honestly to me about who I am and the things I do. For the most part I do an amazing job of hiding any pain, sadness, or frustrations; and from the outside most people look at me and see a hard working woman that doesn't let much throw her off course.

I feel like....No I did, In the last few months make some choices in my life that were really bad. I fee like...no I did, I try to sugar coat the bad I did to make it seem like I didn't have a problem to take seriously. For this, I began to push people away. I have disappointed a lot of people in the process as well, something, that just now, is really starting to get to me. I have no idea why it took so long to realize that I CAN'T be perfect and I make mistakes but at the same time, I need to go back to doing what is right for me and my son. I need to learn from these mistakes I have been making and improve my life choices.

I will say the things I have done aren't the end of the world. I DIDN'T start doing drugs or kill someone. Basically I just became irresponsible. I let the priorities in my life slip away. I worked for a good company in Boise, and although I may not have agreed with the way business was completely ran, they took care of me and paid me well and it was stable.

I am finding it hard to admit this problem out loud. Why I lost my job in Boise and why I am in Seattle. At the same time I feel like I need to let it out because for once I need to be honest and own up to my mistakes.

So, alcohol seems to be my demise. I never really thought of myself as an alcoholic and in a sense I still don't. I don't drink everyday, in fact I can go weeks even months without a sip, but when I get started drinking, I feel like I cant stop. The night before I lost my job...I fell into that hole. I woke up late for work, missing my keys, phone, car, everything. I woke up in the bathtub, completely full and bathroom door locked. I could have killed myself. I looked all day for everything. I missed work completely and had no way to contact anyone. That day though, I didn't feel bad, and I should have. I made my whole family worry, my ex worry, my friends, and my whole work. I lost my job, a job that was paying me salary, and job I work my ass off at and a job where I worked my way to the top. I left myself with no way to pay bills or take care of my son. I completly ruined my life in Boise in one night!

It's a sad when something so insignificant can really take a hold of your life. I think my biggest problems lie with my mind. I have so much stress that I don't let out, that I keep inside and when I drink its like they disappear.

Just recently I moved to Seattle. It was one of the only places I was getting job offers at. Boise's economy is horrible and the opportunities for me there were slim. Seattle was close to friends and also a brand new start, where no one knew me. Something I feel like I need. In Seattle I have some new friends and at first I would go out, have one or two beers and go home and everything was fine. Until recently I feel like I'm heading down that same path again. I still wake up for work and do my job and I still work full hours and work my ass off, but now im distroying relationships, with people I care about.

I feel like my solution is to stop drinking until either 1: I get my life back on track or 2: just stop forever... Wow forever was a lot harder to type than I thought. At this point in time I feel like it is something that needs to be done. I just recently ruin a potential chance for a relationship due to my drinking. This being completely my fault or course and I deserve everything being thrown at me. It is the time though for me to get my life back on track. I'm 23 about to be 24 in May. I am smart and I have so many opportunities out there for me, and if i keep on this track all those opportunities will disappear. I will disappoint my brothers and sister (who are so very important to me and I want to be a good older sister to them), I will disappoint my son, my family, and friends.

Even more recently I am finally starting to see who I am and let my true colors shine through. I am starting to be happy again and starting to see who I really am and I enjoy that part of my life. I just need to break apart the pieces that aren't really a part of me. I need to start making more positive moves to my future.

As a side note. This is probably the hardest thing I have had to post about myself. The honest truth. Maybe not in full detail but close enough. I will say I have had my mouse on the post button for about 10 min. now.

I feel lost in my state of confusion

Constantly I feel like I know the choices I should be making with the situation I am in, but i find myself confused and unsure of how to take those steps. I feel as though if I stay on this path, people will see this person I could be and see pieces of who I really am, but if I take the path I know I should take then I can let myself be me and really shine. It just seems so much harder then the words I speak and think. I know life isn't easy, but choices that involves others well beings seem to be the hardest choices to make. A choice that would crush someones world for a few months or longer but could open doors for everyone in the situation.

I wish it could be simple, and I know that wont happen, and at times I wish others would make this choice for me, it would be easier. I know everyone must see it, and I feel like I can be fake because I had behind this wall of fear and blame that I don't let myself open up to many. This confusion is driving me crazy, and these emotions are making me want to scream. I know in time, life will figure itself out, I just wish I knew how long this would be.

So I met my real dad for the first time Yesterday.

OK, so for those of you who don't know my story, I was adopted when I was 7 and had never met or knew much about my dad. I tried looking when I was seven and found nothing. My parents weren't very supportive of this search (although they will argue that they were.) Then, now being 22, I decided to try again. I started without knowing his last name and only vaguely remembering his first name. I probed family a bit and finally my grandma was able to tell me his last name.

I still remember getting that text on my way to my Spanish class. I was like who is that...then I just realized, "wow, that's my dad". The whole night in class all did was think about finding him. I was working with someone to find him and once I gave him his name we found him quickly and finally made contact with him. The first e-mail sent was a bit awkward because i wasn't sure what to say.

Hi,

I am Lindsay and i have kind of a weird thing to ask you but, I think I might be

your daughter. I was born in 1986, in Bountiful, Utah. Sorry to bother you if I am

not.

Lindsay

After that e-mail I received one shortly after explaining that I could possibly be, and that he was excited to get to know me and learn if I was. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days before I finally worked up the courage to call him.

Our first phone conversation lasted hours and it left me hoping that he really was my dad, but we agreed to get a paternity test just to be 100% sure.

Through this I had explained to my family what was going on, and although half of them were very optimistic, a few of them (which i will exclude names out of respect for them) didn't understand and felt as though I was making a stupid decision. In fact they have completely stopped talking to me. I felt a bit hurt and confused if this was that right thing to do, but i really do and I think it is important to who I am. So if they can't support me or have decided to not be a part of my life, then I guess I have to deal with that choice and move on.

Finally, yesterday was the first day I met him. It was quite nerve racking for a while, I mean someone who is biologically related to you and you have never met them. It's like a part of you that has been hidden and all the sudden is right in front of your face. I chose the place I felt pretty comfortable to go, Goodwood, I have many close friends that work there and it was a way to stay kind of public so that I didn't look like I wasn't interested in meeting him. Usually when I get nervous I don't talk much, and I didn't, which I feel horrible, but I think he could understand. I looked around and ate and thoughts were constantly flying through my mind.

He is a very neat guy and I have learned we have a lot more in common than I ever thought we would. I am happy I did this, and I hope in the end this will be a good relationship that him and I can build. I hope to keep him as a part of my life, if he is wanting to be in it. It is scary, though. It is almost like meeting someone you feel a certain bond with but then trying to figure out how you have this bond.

One word that constantly sits in my head is WOW. I just can't believe i finally did it.
If you have any questions ask away :)

I think it may be time for a positive change!!!

Change can be hard but I have realized I am tried of living my life in the I will stage and I now I want to be the the DO stage. Change can be a wonderful thing, it really can. Making yourself change can be very hard and sometimes it can seem impossible. It isn't though. If I want to make things better I need to ask myself how am I going to make this change?? Instead of just talking with no action. So I have decided to come up with a list of things I want to accomplish. My husband and I are both doing this. One thing I really want us to work on is getting our marriage back to respecting eachother and helping eachother accomplish goals and celebrating the accomplishments together. I will get my list together and I will post it up here and my goal is to try and accomplish certain goals in a time frame and other goals, I just want to complete before I die. You know that goals that consist of "skydiving, going to Europe" things of that nature. This is a big step for me but it is time for a positive Change and that is ok!!!!