The Let Down

The feeling is sensational,
The way someone can make you feel amazing,
butterflies fluttering in your stomach,
Smiles elongated across your face,
Rosy cheeks, and bright eyes,
Everything feels right.

Then the day comes,
The spit in the face,
The fall from the clouds,
Push down the stairs,
Rain drops from the heavens.
They let you down.

You had let yourself go,
Gave it a chance,
Put faith in trying...one more time,
Now you're left all alone,
Knees tucked into chest,
Tears trailing across your skin.

Maybe you aren't so much sad,
More so confused...
Thoughts linger through your mind,
Your body shows confusion,
Lost faith, lost hope, lost trust, lost drive.

Letting go maybe be easy,
but moving on is hard.

Forgetting all those feelings isn't as hard as you though,
but getting them back is harder than you remember.

Lust and love are no longer good feelings,
they turn into dreams, lies, and wishes.

The let down, the break up, the split...
The end.

The Breakups

The Breakup...that word can make most people uncomfortable. It is one of those things that everyone deals with since the moment they become interested in men and woman on an emotional level. I believe I started being attracted to the opposite sex when I was 10, I dated a young boy named Chase. He was in my class, and we were so called "boyfriend and girlfriend", if you can call it that in elementary school. I was the one to dump him. I don't remember what I said but I can recall that it wasn't fun nor easy, but it seemed more hard for him. Then from that moment on, I realized I would never be dumped.

I had boyfriends for most of my life. I was referred to as the heart breaker by my father. I always broke it off when things got to serious. All through junior high and high school I dreaded the sex talk or anything in a relationship that moved in that direction, so I would end it. I'm sure my dad really liked that I had control of that aspect.

So because I was always the dumpee, when I first got dumped it was crushing. I dated this guy named Greg. He was two years older than me, and I was a senior in high school. I really liked him. We didn't sleep together but our relationship got further than most and then one day he just said, "Lindsay it isn't working out." I was so baffled. How did he dump me? I would call him and stop by the gym to see if I could make it work and he would just continue to shut me down. It was horrible, but from that moment on it was like the next to boys I dated had the upper hand. Dumped by three boys my senior year of high school. I thought my life was ending.

Then into my first year in college, I took control again. I didn't have a boyfriend. I didn't want one. I wanted control, so when it felt like I was in a relationship with someone, I would remind them that we were just dating, that it was nothing serious. Once again I regained my self dignity and became the dumpee once more.

This didn't last long though. I moved back home a year later and started dating my first serious boyfriend. 19 years old and thought I found "the one". I laugh now when I think about it, because we were not right for each other. We ended up being together for about a year and living together for most of that year. At the time, I would have done anything to make that relationship work. Even when I found out I was cheated on, I pretended it never happened. Him and I are friends now and even his wife and I. I have moved past that time, but when it occurred I was devastated. How could I be cheated on and dumped? Wasn't I suppose to dump someone who cheated on me? It was just unimaginable to me. Finding the dinner ticket from the date they went on, him lying to me for months about it, and then coming home to all my personal belongings waiting at the bottom of the stairs, he wouldn't even look at me, and he cheated on me. That was my first real breakup and my first real heartache, and even though I am way past that, I will always remember it.

I think that is how love is though. You remember the things that hurt the most, and the ones you loved the most. Currently I have been single for a year. I was married 3 years prior. I met him shortly after my last break up. I was pregnant with my ex's child and quite lonely. I love my ex-husband very much, but at time I see how we rushed everything. We wanted it to work so bad for my son and for us, but we fell apart. This was the hardest dump I have ever done. I remember the night pretty vividly. I was on the computer late at night and he came out and said, "what's wrong? You don't come to be anymore and you are never around." I just broke down crying, I wasn't in love with him anymore and that was the hardest thing to tell him. We went to counseling, we talked, and we dated more. Something for me was missing. I had completely given up on any hope of it working out, because I wanted that feeling again, and I was almost 100% sure we could never get it back.

We moved on and have been single for a year. I love him dearly, he is my best friend. Things changed though, and my perspective on love and relationships is so different now. I am not looking for marriage like I always thought I wanted, what every girl and woman wants. I just want a good relationship. Someone who makes me happy, someone I can spend time with and have a good time. I like laughing and I get tired of crying or being let down, so my expectations are so different now. When I date, I find it hard to turn someone down and tell them I'm not interested, I don't want to hurt them, but at the same time, I can usually tell by the second date if they are my type. So after that second date, my version of the breakup comes in. I talk to them less, I make myself busy, and I always continue to date. I am just dating right now and I don't know that I am ready for anything serious, but I know that if I came across a person I could have fun with and they were real, well I know that I wouldn't want to let them go. The way to safe guard myself from hurting someone, though, is by telling them I'm not looking for something serious, because one I'm not completely lying and two both of us can have a clean break in the end.

Regardless of how anyone sets themselves up in a relationship, break ups are hard. They are inevitable though. We have all had them, and most of them hurt for both parties involved.

Haven't Heard From You...

I haven't heard from you in a while, it's been 2 weekends since we talked and I haven't got a call. No message on my phone, nothing...not even to say hello.

I thought you cared, but it turns out you don't. I have left you alone and you can live your solo life in peace. Just remember, I don't need you either.

Regardless of all the good, I think the bad out weighed. And you're content with being alone and nothing can break your wall. So go on...don't turn around...and I'm gone...not coming back.

I can find someone new, I can suffice. I can be happy with out you, I am happy.

I'm strong, and I'm calling this a silent break-up, you go your way and I go mine. We don't have to look back.

I was fine before I met you, and now you're still insignificant in my life. so go on...don't turn around, because I'm gone...not coming back.

Him

He is on my mind all the time and I cant stand him. He makes me so angry, he is so selfish and so rude. He pulled me in, he said the sweetest things to me and then he just slapped me in the face. It was like a few months of happiness and excitement for nothing. He pretends to know me, know what I am about, but he doesn't. Then he say in a sarcastic tone, "you think you're unique and different like everyone else?" Well I am and, yes, so is everyone else. We are all different and we all deserve some respect regardless of our education, background, race, or sex. We are all people.

He did show me some things even if I hate him. He showed me what it was like to be looked at, I mean really looked at. He watched me, and he told me what he thought was beautiful about me. He made me believe he really thought I was graceful, beautiful, and special.

He is selfish, and self centered. He fears stepping out of his own box to see what is out there, but then he accuses me of doing the same thing. So hypocritical, so two faced. He gets me steamed up and angry at times, making me tell him things that I don't feel comfortable telling, but he has never opened up to me. He discusses personal issues in my life that are none of his business but he refuses to do the same.

As much as I enjoy spending time with him, holding him, kissing him, enjoying his company, having a beer with him, holding his hand, laughing with him.....I hate him. I hate how he makes me feel. I hate what he does to me. Our last conversation made me hate him the most. It is like he doesn't care about what the other person is about or how he treats them as long as the outcome works in his favor. As long as he feels satisfied with the outcome. He doesn't apologize and he doesn't care. That's fine, I don't care either, I just wish I knew he was like that because I would have not cared sooner than I did. I just need to get him out of my head because he he set in his ways and is who he is. I don't expect him to change, but I want someone who respects me, someone who will want me. He could never do those things, even if I wish he could.

"He is just not that into you Lindsay"

11:45, I receive a text from a friend of mine:

Friend: Hey you awake?

Me: yes, what's up?

Friend: umm..well...I think I may be locked out. And guess who has my spare?

Me: Ok are you in the building now?

Friend: Ya...I'm going to look for my key out in my sisters care...but I may need a couch to crash on?

Me: ok or I can get you a key out of my office lol

Friend: OH that's right for some reason I thought u didn't have one but duhhh how would you do utility reads. haha, Hopefully I will find it and not need your help. How are you? Whats the word on *man I am dating*?

Me: ugh idk we haven't texted in two days havent talked in four, I dont get him

Friend: Ugh Lindsay I'm afraid he' just not that into you. I was reading that book today. I

realized it about my boyfriend too. UGGGGHHH

WOW! I think she is right...He isn't that into me, because like the books states; "he's just not that into you if he's not calling you". Wait, actually I can fit this dating relationship into TWO chapters. Title number two is; "he's just not that into you if he' not asking you out". So basically my dating life with this man has been addressed in the first two chapters of this book...wonderful!

So after reading introduction to chapter one and two, she so thoughtfully picture mailed me, and thinking to myself it's true; I came to my senses and realized, "wtf am I doing?" These signs are signs all girls should know and if they don't well then they are dumb so why do I keep calling him. Even though for me it feels like it is worth it, it obviously isn't worth it to him, so Lindsay, leave him be and move on!

And, I am doing just that :)!

The Dating World

As I dip my feet into the dating world I am learning that I don't like it at all! It is so redundant and seems like a car crash waiting to happen. Every guy I date has something that I just can't stand. I am sure having been married and then always in some type of relationship, I have learned what I like and what I don't like. I can definitely say I am not willing to settle for someone who isn't confident with who they are and what they have in life.

I think the most frustrating thing about dating is my new outlook on men. I feel like most of them are after one thing, S.E.X. I am not interested in that at all and when you turn someone down it can end with two situations. Number one being that they don't call you back because they are upset they got shut down, or number two they pursue you harder even if you aren't interested they keep coming back.

Ok, ok I always knew that sex was something that most men, even woman, were focused on; I just never knew that it would be almost every guy I have dated. It's like no one wants to wait until the 3rd or 4th or even 20th date before they kiss or try to have sex. People seem to not be concerned about STD's or even getting to know the person. The person across the table from me knows nothing about who I am or what I do, and likewise me for them. I hear my guy friends tell me, "if you wait to have sex they will keep dating you, it is like a test. If you give in early then they stop calling because they either know you are easy or they got what they were after." This makes me laugh, a test! Men test woman with their penis?!? WOW! I'm not impressed!

Right now, I seem to have every guy I'm not interested in wanting me and every guy I am interested in not being interested in me. It really is a vicious cycle that I wish could end at some point, although, I don't think I really want a relationship. I have been single for about a year and I really enjoy the single life. I don't have the responsibility of checking in with anyone, I don't have to stress about someone elses life. All I have to worry about is me and my son. It's very rejuvenating and empowering.

I think the most interesting part of being single and dating is the advice my friends give me. I hear things like; "He is shady Lindsay, kick him to the curb!" "He is so controlling do you really want that?" "Oh you should meet my friend you two would be so good together!" "Men suck!". It really makes me laugh some of the advice I have been given, and I have to pick and choose which advice is good for me and which "words of wisdom" I would do better ignoring. Sometimes the advice I am given really helps though. I mean the opposite sex is so very confusing. I find myself analyzing every situation, every little detail, trying to figure out what he meant when he said he had to go to that bathroom in the middle of our conversation. It's quite ridiculous! I am not sure if this is something I am doing because I haven't dated in forever, or if I am just doing it because that's who I am.

I think the best advice I was given but am still trying to figure out how to use it was, " Lindsay stop thinking so hard about it, you are going to push yourself away thinking the worst when it isn't. Just relax and have fun." Maybe, one day, I will figure this out. Until then I am going to take my over analyzing ass back to the dating world a few more times and see if anything falls in my lap that is worth a second date.

Wednesday in Seattle 10/21/09

She lays there, appearing to be drained of life. Her hands hang over the edge of the bed and her head sinking into her pillow. She stares blankly at the ceiling, not blinking once. He leans against the wall as he takes a large breath of air and buries his face into his hands. Nothing is said for a while, only the sound of footsteps from outside seem to fill the room. He pushes him self off the wall with his tear soaked hands, stepping towards where she lays and begins to speak, " I am..." then his voice drifts off into the distant halls as he bites his lip thinking of what to say.

She then closes her eyes and one tear slides down her cheek to the pillow, she is holding back her emotions and he can see in her eyes that she wants him to leave so she can release what she is holding inside.

"I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I swear it meant nothing." He finally chocks out the words, and his voice shaking as he tries to look her in the eyes.

Still silence, he just stares at her and she just stares at the wall. Nothing at this moment in time could make her feel less wanted. She now starts to believe everything said about failed relationships and so call "true love" and how its not real.

He tries to get closer and pull her stare from the wall, then he slowly lowers his eyes to the ground and drags his feets as he exits the room. There is nothing that he can say, nothing that he can do. She feels empty and alone.

Is it gone?

I am sitting her numb as hell. I am so mystified and so lost. I have no idea why I am here and what I’m supposed to learn. I feel like sitting on the ground, pulling my knees to my chest, and weeping. Why does life have to be so complex? I know there are people all around going through worse, but I still can’t release my pain. You waited so long and now you say you are back, you want to try. What does that mean, why did you wait so long? I haven’t cried for so long but I just feel the tears coming up and wanting to burst. What is this love? What will ever come of it, and why can’t we know what is best? I hate you for doing this to me and for making me question who I am and what I need. I hate you for being gone for so long and never trying to save this relationship, and now I don’t know if it can be saved. I feel like I have taken away who you are and what you believe, that was never my intention, I wanted you… all of you; now I don’t know who you are or who we are. I can’t kiss you without feeling like I’m kissing a stranger, I can’t hold you without wondering who I am holding. Can we ever get what we once had back? Can you ever be you, can I be me; and can we still be you and I? I don’t know if we can…I don’t know if I want that anymore.