Worth trying?

There always seems to come times in my life where I honestly wonder, is this worth trying for? It happens in relationships, work, friends, and many other things. It is something that I struggle with, trying to recognize what is really something that will benefit me or what is something that might just bring me down.

This move to Seattle was a huge choice. That was something I really thought about and contemplated whether it was worth the move or not. So far it has been completely worth it. Then there was the split with my ex and whether or not it was worth trying again for, that ended up being shot down and we quickly realized that wouldn't work.

My latest battle is whether some of the dates I have been on are worth anything more than just a date. Most of the guys are great people, someone I could see myself being good friends with. A few are assholes that I have to just cut from my life. Then there is the much hated friend zone dates. The people you date that deserve a great girlfriend because they are nice, stable, and just real people; but no matter how you look at the person you see no physical or mental connection, not an ounce of chemistry. This drives me insane! I seem to cling to the selfish, egotistical man that could care only about himself and cares more about his personal belongings than having an actual relationship/friendship with anyone. This describes my man hunting skills.

So then I run into the guy that is just a down to earth, nice guy and there is no attraction. Why? I feel like I am the reason for the stereotype "girls date the bad boys". So maybe Mr. Nice guy will not be the right guy for me? Although, I keep wanting someone that can treat me right. So I give the "nice guys" a chance, thinking just maybe something will spark and that maybe this feeling just takes time, but its so uncomfortable and awkward. It becomes one of the underlining questions, "is it really worth trying?"

My friends advice on the situation is usually if you don't like him just tell him and leave it at that. My question is, what if there could be something more? I have seen many people who meet someone they don't see themselves with and in the end they fall madly in love and can't spend their lives without the other person. So if I walk away from these "nice guys" and not give them a chance, will I be missing out?

It definitely isn't an easy question to answer, because giving them a chance could lead them to think I am using them for free dinner or a free date. This is not something I want to be portrayed as, although I don't mind the free meals and date, it's just not my intention.

I guess that question, "is it worth it?" will just always linger until I actually give someone a chance and see where things can lead.

2am Heartbeat

As we stand here, I'm wrapped in your arms,

it's 2am as you're holding me near,
believe it or not I wish time would stop,
I've never had anyone make me feel this way,

You're amazing, You're like the stars in the sky
As you hold me on this January night,
You're amazing, youre the light in my life, as you stand here by my side

You ask to keep me, but I'm already yours,
since the first day I saw you looking at me,
Thats the day I never wanted to say goodbye.
Because you were already mine.

You're amazing, You're like the stars in the sky, As you hold me on this January night, You're amazing, you're the light in my life, as you stand here by my side.

You stole my heart from that first minute. You said you'd do anything to prove everyone wrong. cause I was worth it and you're worth this song. So lets burn like hell until our fire is gone.

I guess regardless of whatever comes next you are amazing and I'll never forget,The night you you held me at 2am, you kissed my forehead, I wished it would never end.

Yes you're amazing, and I'll always be yours, and I've never had anyone, make me feel this way.

Him

He is on my mind all the time and I cant stand him. He makes me so angry, he is so selfish and so rude. He pulled me in, he said the sweetest things to me and then he just slapped me in the face. It was like a few months of happiness and excitement for nothing. He pretends to know me, know what I am about, but he doesn't. Then he say in a sarcastic tone, "you think you're unique and different like everyone else?" Well I am and, yes, so is everyone else. We are all different and we all deserve some respect regardless of our education, background, race, or sex. We are all people.

He did show me some things even if I hate him. He showed me what it was like to be looked at, I mean really looked at. He watched me, and he told me what he thought was beautiful about me. He made me believe he really thought I was graceful, beautiful, and special.

He is selfish, and self centered. He fears stepping out of his own box to see what is out there, but then he accuses me of doing the same thing. So hypocritical, so two faced. He gets me steamed up and angry at times, making me tell him things that I don't feel comfortable telling, but he has never opened up to me. He discusses personal issues in my life that are none of his business but he refuses to do the same.

As much as I enjoy spending time with him, holding him, kissing him, enjoying his company, having a beer with him, holding his hand, laughing with him.....I hate him. I hate how he makes me feel. I hate what he does to me. Our last conversation made me hate him the most. It is like he doesn't care about what the other person is about or how he treats them as long as the outcome works in his favor. As long as he feels satisfied with the outcome. He doesn't apologize and he doesn't care. That's fine, I don't care either, I just wish I knew he was like that because I would have not cared sooner than I did. I just need to get him out of my head because he he set in his ways and is who he is. I don't expect him to change, but I want someone who respects me, someone who will want me. He could never do those things, even if I wish he could.

"He is just not that into you Lindsay"

11:45, I receive a text from a friend of mine:

Friend: Hey you awake?

Me: yes, what's up?

Friend: umm..well...I think I may be locked out. And guess who has my spare?

Me: Ok are you in the building now?

Friend: Ya...I'm going to look for my key out in my sisters care...but I may need a couch to crash on?

Me: ok or I can get you a key out of my office lol

Friend: OH that's right for some reason I thought u didn't have one but duhhh how would you do utility reads. haha, Hopefully I will find it and not need your help. How are you? Whats the word on *man I am dating*?

Me: ugh idk we haven't texted in two days havent talked in four, I dont get him

Friend: Ugh Lindsay I'm afraid he' just not that into you. I was reading that book today. I

realized it about my boyfriend too. UGGGGHHH

WOW! I think she is right...He isn't that into me, because like the books states; "he's just not that into you if he's not calling you". Wait, actually I can fit this dating relationship into TWO chapters. Title number two is; "he's just not that into you if he' not asking you out". So basically my dating life with this man has been addressed in the first two chapters of this book...wonderful!

So after reading introduction to chapter one and two, she so thoughtfully picture mailed me, and thinking to myself it's true; I came to my senses and realized, "wtf am I doing?" These signs are signs all girls should know and if they don't well then they are dumb so why do I keep calling him. Even though for me it feels like it is worth it, it obviously isn't worth it to him, so Lindsay, leave him be and move on!

And, I am doing just that :)!

The Dating World

As I dip my feet into the dating world I am learning that I don't like it at all! It is so redundant and seems like a car crash waiting to happen. Every guy I date has something that I just can't stand. I am sure having been married and then always in some type of relationship, I have learned what I like and what I don't like. I can definitely say I am not willing to settle for someone who isn't confident with who they are and what they have in life.

I think the most frustrating thing about dating is my new outlook on men. I feel like most of them are after one thing, S.E.X. I am not interested in that at all and when you turn someone down it can end with two situations. Number one being that they don't call you back because they are upset they got shut down, or number two they pursue you harder even if you aren't interested they keep coming back.

Ok, ok I always knew that sex was something that most men, even woman, were focused on; I just never knew that it would be almost every guy I have dated. It's like no one wants to wait until the 3rd or 4th or even 20th date before they kiss or try to have sex. People seem to not be concerned about STD's or even getting to know the person. The person across the table from me knows nothing about who I am or what I do, and likewise me for them. I hear my guy friends tell me, "if you wait to have sex they will keep dating you, it is like a test. If you give in early then they stop calling because they either know you are easy or they got what they were after." This makes me laugh, a test! Men test woman with their penis?!? WOW! I'm not impressed!

Right now, I seem to have every guy I'm not interested in wanting me and every guy I am interested in not being interested in me. It really is a vicious cycle that I wish could end at some point, although, I don't think I really want a relationship. I have been single for about a year and I really enjoy the single life. I don't have the responsibility of checking in with anyone, I don't have to stress about someone elses life. All I have to worry about is me and my son. It's very rejuvenating and empowering.

I think the most interesting part of being single and dating is the advice my friends give me. I hear things like; "He is shady Lindsay, kick him to the curb!" "He is so controlling do you really want that?" "Oh you should meet my friend you two would be so good together!" "Men suck!". It really makes me laugh some of the advice I have been given, and I have to pick and choose which advice is good for me and which "words of wisdom" I would do better ignoring. Sometimes the advice I am given really helps though. I mean the opposite sex is so very confusing. I find myself analyzing every situation, every little detail, trying to figure out what he meant when he said he had to go to that bathroom in the middle of our conversation. It's quite ridiculous! I am not sure if this is something I am doing because I haven't dated in forever, or if I am just doing it because that's who I am.

I think the best advice I was given but am still trying to figure out how to use it was, " Lindsay stop thinking so hard about it, you are going to push yourself away thinking the worst when it isn't. Just relax and have fun." Maybe, one day, I will figure this out. Until then I am going to take my over analyzing ass back to the dating world a few more times and see if anything falls in my lap that is worth a second date.