She closes her eyes and seeks the darkness within. The world seems to be closing in on her and she has no one to go to. Life seems to end for her as she begins to search for her meaning. There is nothing left for her. She’s tangled in mesh of confusion, and you keep hanging on to the unraveling thread. Please just let her go… she needs to stop feeling guilty and fucked up. Let her smile again; let her start her life again. She deserves nothing more than to look in the mirror and see the beauty that you have taken from her. Her life is slowly fading away as you stand over her and the blood dripping from your hands. You have left her with nothing during her last living moments. You just stare her in the eyes with tears cascading down your face but you don’t help her….you just stare.

Is it gone?

I am sitting her numb as hell. I am so mystified and so lost. I have no idea why I am here and what I’m supposed to learn. I feel like sitting on the ground, pulling my knees to my chest, and weeping. Why does life have to be so complex? I know there are people all around going through worse, but I still can’t release my pain. You waited so long and now you say you are back, you want to try. What does that mean, why did you wait so long? I haven’t cried for so long but I just feel the tears coming up and wanting to burst. What is this love? What will ever come of it, and why can’t we know what is best? I hate you for doing this to me and for making me question who I am and what I need. I hate you for being gone for so long and never trying to save this relationship, and now I don’t know if it can be saved. I feel like I have taken away who you are and what you believe, that was never my intention, I wanted you… all of you; now I don’t know who you are or who we are. I can’t kiss you without feeling like I’m kissing a stranger, I can’t hold you without wondering who I am holding. Can we ever get what we once had back? Can you ever be you, can I be me; and can we still be you and I? I don’t know if we can…I don’t know if I want that anymore.

complete

Like the snow falling to the ground around us, you have made my walls come down. You take away all of my regrets; if I wasn’t where I was now, I would have never had these feelings. You make me light up and I have never seen myself this way. I hope I’m not being deceived, and I hope this is not my imagination. You stepped into my life as a gift, and with that said, I will never forget you. You will always have a piece of me no matter what we go through. The world continues to turn and now I feel like I am turning with it…with you. Maybe one day we will both be happy, maybe one day we will both find love, and maybe one day we will both be complete.

The Past

So I wrote some stuff a while back like 5 years ago but I wanted to share it.

Never Gone

It will always be there now. The words he spoke linger in their halls. Every room has a bad memory except for her and her brothers. Those are the only places she can go to get away. Every time she hears breaking dishes or loud bangs it brings back all the fighting and yelling she has endured. It won't go away. Every hole in the wall imprints the hate and even after the anger is covered up, you an still see the fear.

She tries to bring happiness by being more upbeat but the discomfort of her mother brings her fathers roaring thunder. She turns the bath water on and lets it run through the drain, drowning out the screams below. Tiptoeing to her bedroom she turns on the radio until the noises subside. The words they shouted play over in her head. Every hateful word they said leaves so much anger and pain. She dreads every argument counting down the years, months, and days until she leaves.

Holding her brothers in her arms and closing her eyes, trying to get away form this hell. Her brother gently wipes the tears that slowing fall down her cheek. Tenderly, she tucks her brothers into bed and the sleep until early morning. When they wake all the fear is gone, only to know it will begin again later on.

He is the one

The snow settled on the hard, frozen ground. She softly brushed her hair away from her dark, ocean blue eyes and smiled. She had longed to hear his voice since the first time she saw him. Her stomach felt as though millions of butterflies were flying inside. She never felt this emotion before and she continued to try and tell herself this emotion isn’t real. How could someone so amazing exist in a world where she had felt so alone and helpless for years? How could one man complete her life? She took a deep breath as her faced glowed of affection and love. She dreamed to be in his arms and to hold him near. Her heart was beating heavily and she couldn’t hold back her emotions anymore. She closed her eyes, leaned forward to kiss his soft, tender lips. When she got ready to embrace his kiss she opened her eyes and he was gone. She sat up out of bed and looked around frantically for the man her heart longed to be with. She let herself fall to her pillows as she came to a realization…it was all just a dream.

Christmas thoughts

So...Christmas is coming. and it seems as though this year flew by. I am not sure if it was the fact that my little boy is grow up so quickly...



The one the left he was about 7 months and the on the the right he is 2!!!!
















Maybe...it is the times. Things have been difficult for everyone and that could have made this year go faster and in that case THANK YOU!!! Maybe next year will get better for everyone. I feel so horrible working in an apartment complex and seeing people forced to move because they can pay rent. AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP! I just wish there was. It is the saddest thing to see a family not be able to provide fo their child and they work so hard just to scrap by and survive.

Possibly...that I was so busy trying to be superwoman...going to school full time, working full time, full time mom, wife and house maid haha.

Whatever the reason may be, all I know is the year went by so fast. So below I have made my list of things I wish to accomplish...

1. Be happy: I think sometimes people get stuck in a rut and forget that being happy is important to life. I dont want to be stuck in a situation where I wake up one moving and think, "God...who am I? What happened to me? When was the last time I smiled...really smile?

2. Show my sone how much I love him: I see to many people spanking their children and not explaining why they are in trouble. I see so much anger from parents to the children and not enough love. I want to be the mom who explains and understands. I don't want him to have one doubt in his mind that I don't love him :)!!!

3. Be forgiving: I am tired of being angry with people and not remembering why because it was last year and it was stupid. Life is only so long and I dont want to waste my time hating. People make mistakes...no matter how big...if they show any ounce of being sorry...I will forgive.

4. Go to school: I want to finish school in less than 4 years. I have taken so much time off but I want to get done and do what I want to do!

5. Remember what it feels like to be in love again: sometimes I seem to know I love my husband...but I can't remember what it is like to be "IN LOVE". I'm scared to lose what we had..but it might be lost. If we can be "IN LOVE" again I want to if we can't then I don't want to give up on the idea that I can be "IN LOVE" again.

6. Excersize more: I Know, I know. how cliche. But I think it is important that I make this a daily activity.

7. Keep eating healthy: I made a change last year for my health to change my diet. I did and Im doing great...Just want to keep it coming!

So to all Happy Holidays !!!!

Changing my life

Your words speak a true beauty to me that I have never had in my life.
I felt so lost until I met you.
You made me see myself again.
I forgot for so long who I was and I speak to you and remember the soul within me.
My whole body smiles and glows when I see you or speak with you.
I forget everything that worries me when you enter the room.
You amaze me and how you speak to my heart, and you may have no idea the impression you have made on me and my life will never be the same since I met you, and I don’t want it to.