Smile

The holiday season is full of so many different people. Some are full of smiles and joy, while others are full of frustration and anger. I find it interesting how sometimes these people can immediately affect your mood and how you feel. You can be having such an off day, and with a simple smile feel as though your whole mood has been lifted.

Then there are those people who can bring you down just as instantly. The ones who knock you out of their way as they march down the streets. Those who are pulling their children by the arm to hurry as they yell profanities in hopes that will speed their children up; disgusting! Of course these people make you angry and at times I wish I could just sit these people down and make them open their eyes.

Happiness and joy can be made a choice. Everyone has their bad days; I know there are days I wake up and wish I didn't have to have any human contact. There are days I wish that every person that walked through my office would just slide me a paper filled out with whatever they wanted so I could get to their issue when I wanted to. Everyday, though, I choose to put on a smile and be happy. You can see people that are going through some of the hardest times still put a smile on. It absolutely amazes me that someone who has lost everything; loved ones, a home, a job, ect, can still be happy, while on the other hand someone who doesn't get the gift they want for Christmas will throw a huge fit.

Lately I have been told by many people how laid back I am and how it seems that I don't let much get to me. I never really thought about it until recently. I am glad I do, this is not a conscious choice but I am glad this is who I am. I enjoy life so much more and I love that I can be the person that makes someones day that much better.

to you from me... ( still a work in progress)

Dear You,

I decided to write this letter to you because I want to thank you. Thank you for remembering who you and being yourself again. I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough. You seemed so depressed and lost and now I can see your real smile and hear your true laugh. You have given me hope and desperation. I am sorry about your past but I’m glad you have come to realize that it is an entity to who you are and makes you, you. You are amazing no matter what bad or good time you go through, and don’t forget we all make mistakes, and chances are if you are going through it, look to your left or right and I guarantee someone else is or has before. You will never be alone…someone will always have your back.

Love,
Me

finding something

Today I found something that was just amazing to me. Something that gave me the biggest smile and something that almost made my life see so much more full. I am hoping that this doesn't all go the wrong way in the end, but I feel very confident. My one problem is how do you tell someone who has been in your life since birth and cared for you since birth this amazing thing you found and have them feel just as happy as you?

I can already see the tears, sadness, and the fear. The fear of losing the one person that has been in her life when times got hard and when times were great. She wont lose me but I can understand why she might feel like she might lose me. How do I even start this conversation? How should I begin?

I dialed her number today and held my breath until it got to her answering machine and then I hung up taking a big sigh of relief. I don't know why I was relieved when I should been even more stressed because that means I need to tell her another day. I just have no idea how to present the idea or the situation to her in a way that will help her understand my choice as well as my happiness. I have support from everyone around me but I need her support, and I need her love.

I'm so scare and the more I think about what she will say, the more scared I get. I guess I will just have to keep going and hope for her support and if i don't get it, then realize I still love her the same, regardless.

She closes her eyes and seeks the darkness within. The world seems to be closing in on her and she has no one to go to. Life seems to end for her as she begins to search for her meaning. There is nothing left for her. She’s tangled in mesh of confusion, and you keep hanging on to the unraveling thread. Please just let her go… she needs to stop feeling guilty and fucked up. Let her smile again; let her start her life again. She deserves nothing more than to look in the mirror and see the beauty that you have taken from her. Her life is slowly fading away as you stand over her and the blood dripping from your hands. You have left her with nothing during her last living moments. You just stare her in the eyes with tears cascading down your face but you don’t help her….you just stare.