holding your life in my hand

I hate this feeling. I hate when my heart feels like its bleeding for you because I'm scared you will do something to end your life. You call yourself worthless and a piece of shit. I don't know what to do to show you that you are more than that. I am sorry we didn't work out, but you are not nothing. You make me fear for you and you make me wish we had never been, even though some of the best times i have ever had were with you. I feel like you are being selfish holding on to me and selfish making me hurt for you. Its not fair to make me worry that you will end your life. You know i love you with all my heart, and I know deep inside you know we didn't work but you keep on making me feel guilty and you keep me worrying for you .

Today you at 1 am you texted me telling me how worthless you were and didn't pick up your phone when I called. You wont tell me what the fuck is going on. All i hear from everyone is how depressed you are and all I hear from you is how much you can't live without me. What do i do, I cant take your stress I cant take this feeling like I'm a horrible person. I seriously feel like my life is falling apart more and more because I am so damn worried about you ending your life.

Please get help, please realize who you are and how amazing you are. Stop accusing me, and stop making me feel like the only way to make you live is to be with you!

Happiness

I find it sad that happiness can be found in separation and in parting ways. Those two words seem sad and distant. How does time change something so much so that it no longer is what it once was, and how does time pull two people apart from where they once started. I can see how this is the right thing and i can see how time has changed us both but it is hard to see when it started and how it happened. I know you think this is easy for me but it isn't. I know i will have days of loneliness and fear but i know that if you can be happy, i don't want to take anything away from you to get you where you need and want to be. I dont want to hold you back from who you are and all you could be. Regardless of what we go through and what else changes with us. I love you and will always keep you in my heart. You know more about me than most people know about me and i respect you completely.

I feel lost in my state of confusion

Constantly I feel like I know the choices I should be making with the situation I am in, but i find myself confused and unsure of how to take those steps. I feel as though if I stay on this path, people will see this person I could be and see pieces of who I really am, but if I take the path I know I should take then I can let myself be me and really shine. It just seems so much harder then the words I speak and think. I know life isn't easy, but choices that involves others well beings seem to be the hardest choices to make. A choice that would crush someones world for a few months or longer but could open doors for everyone in the situation.

I wish it could be simple, and I know that wont happen, and at times I wish others would make this choice for me, it would be easier. I know everyone must see it, and I feel like I can be fake because I had behind this wall of fear and blame that I don't let myself open up to many. This confusion is driving me crazy, and these emotions are making me want to scream. I know in time, life will figure itself out, I just wish I knew how long this would be.

So I met my real dad for the first time Yesterday.

OK, so for those of you who don't know my story, I was adopted when I was 7 and had never met or knew much about my dad. I tried looking when I was seven and found nothing. My parents weren't very supportive of this search (although they will argue that they were.) Then, now being 22, I decided to try again. I started without knowing his last name and only vaguely remembering his first name. I probed family a bit and finally my grandma was able to tell me his last name.

I still remember getting that text on my way to my Spanish class. I was like who is that...then I just realized, "wow, that's my dad". The whole night in class all did was think about finding him. I was working with someone to find him and once I gave him his name we found him quickly and finally made contact with him. The first e-mail sent was a bit awkward because i wasn't sure what to say.

Hi,

I am Lindsay and i have kind of a weird thing to ask you but, I think I might be

your daughter. I was born in 1986, in Bountiful, Utah. Sorry to bother you if I am

not.

Lindsay

After that e-mail I received one shortly after explaining that I could possibly be, and that he was excited to get to know me and learn if I was. We e-mailed back and forth for a few days before I finally worked up the courage to call him.

Our first phone conversation lasted hours and it left me hoping that he really was my dad, but we agreed to get a paternity test just to be 100% sure.

Through this I had explained to my family what was going on, and although half of them were very optimistic, a few of them (which i will exclude names out of respect for them) didn't understand and felt as though I was making a stupid decision. In fact they have completely stopped talking to me. I felt a bit hurt and confused if this was that right thing to do, but i really do and I think it is important to who I am. So if they can't support me or have decided to not be a part of my life, then I guess I have to deal with that choice and move on.

Finally, yesterday was the first day I met him. It was quite nerve racking for a while, I mean someone who is biologically related to you and you have never met them. It's like a part of you that has been hidden and all the sudden is right in front of your face. I chose the place I felt pretty comfortable to go, Goodwood, I have many close friends that work there and it was a way to stay kind of public so that I didn't look like I wasn't interested in meeting him. Usually when I get nervous I don't talk much, and I didn't, which I feel horrible, but I think he could understand. I looked around and ate and thoughts were constantly flying through my mind.

He is a very neat guy and I have learned we have a lot more in common than I ever thought we would. I am happy I did this, and I hope in the end this will be a good relationship that him and I can build. I hope to keep him as a part of my life, if he is wanting to be in it. It is scary, though. It is almost like meeting someone you feel a certain bond with but then trying to figure out how you have this bond.

One word that constantly sits in my head is WOW. I just can't believe i finally did it.
If you have any questions ask away :)

to you from me... ( still a work in progress)

Dear You,

I decided to write this letter to you because I want to thank you. Thank you for remembering who you and being yourself again. I don’t think I will ever be able to thank you enough. You seemed so depressed and lost and now I can see your real smile and hear your true laugh. You have given me hope and desperation. I am sorry about your past but I’m glad you have come to realize that it is an entity to who you are and makes you, you. You are amazing no matter what bad or good time you go through, and don’t forget we all make mistakes, and chances are if you are going through it, look to your left or right and I guarantee someone else is or has before. You will never be alone…someone will always have your back.

Love,
Me

....

Life is interwined with the barbedwire fence. Electricity powers through bringing all life that touches it to its end. Rain rides on the metal, making sparks dance. The rain drops dripping from the barbed wire, to the moist ground. The evening was silent and the moving world around seemed distant. Her eyes scanned the surrounding, in fear she slowly stepped forward, staring into the mangled mess. Calapsing to her knees, tears cascading down her face, she grabbed the hands of the deceased as she began to fall apart. Her heart was pounding loudly and her screams were even louder. The body lays strangled, lifeless, and with nothing else to give.

finding something

Today I found something that was just amazing to me. Something that gave me the biggest smile and something that almost made my life see so much more full. I am hoping that this doesn't all go the wrong way in the end, but I feel very confident. My one problem is how do you tell someone who has been in your life since birth and cared for you since birth this amazing thing you found and have them feel just as happy as you?

I can already see the tears, sadness, and the fear. The fear of losing the one person that has been in her life when times got hard and when times were great. She wont lose me but I can understand why she might feel like she might lose me. How do I even start this conversation? How should I begin?

I dialed her number today and held my breath until it got to her answering machine and then I hung up taking a big sigh of relief. I don't know why I was relieved when I should been even more stressed because that means I need to tell her another day. I just have no idea how to present the idea or the situation to her in a way that will help her understand my choice as well as my happiness. I have support from everyone around me but I need her support, and I need her love.

I'm so scare and the more I think about what she will say, the more scared I get. I guess I will just have to keep going and hope for her support and if i don't get it, then realize I still love her the same, regardless.