You

It's weird the type of pull you have on me,
and to be honest,
I'm tired of love,
I'm tired of thinking I can be with someone and make it work.

I feel scared at the possibilities of you and I,
You are beautiful,
and I feel you completely,
everything about you,
your sadness, happiness, your heart,
you're amazing.

I can't believe what you do to me,
The way you make the world stop,
the way i just want to be with you until the night ends,
I long to have you hold me.

Your voice comforts me and I feel safe and secure around you,
even when you say or do things that drive me crazy,
I still am pulled towards you.

You have now made my life a little more complicated,
but I like it,
I like you,
and even if nothing ever happens,
I think I could be ok with that,
Just as long as I can hold on to the way you make me feel.

The Moment After

I seem to be having those "moment after" feelings quite often. I say or do something that really hurts someones feelings or pushes them away and think after, "what the hell Lindsay, you need to fix this." It's never something horribly rude where someone is left crying or physically hurt; It is usually something selfish. Something where I seem to care more about myself than this other person. It's rude really, and makes me upset with myself. Today I am having the "moment after" feeling.

If you know me or keep up with my blogging, I quit drinking for a short period of time, and now I hardly drink when I do. Well that leads to a low tolerance of alcohol. The hard thing for me, is something that sits in the back of my mind eats at me more when I drink. I went out last night and had a few drinks. I wasn't hammered at all, not even close, but I was tipsy. So, because of this, my current worries about my relationship started suffocating my thoughts. First thing I brought up when I started talking to my boyfriend was "why are we together?" I kept bringing up how he was leaving Seattle eventually and I don't plan on moving, so what is the point of dating. It's like I lost all respect for our relationship and him. Then I pouted the night away, basically being a real bitch, while his true colors showed. You know what? He is an incredibly amazing man. Not once did he call me a name or yell at me or anything. Now I feel even worse for how I treated him.

He went to work early this morning, and I haven't had a chance to talk to him all day about last night. I am really hoping he understands and forgives me. I ended up doing what I do best and pulled out my pencil and notebook and wrote him a letter. I explained myself the best I could without leaving myself too vulnerable (not sure I'm totally ready to expose myself).

I know a letter is so lame and cliche, but it's the best way to get my thoughts out. I just left the note tucked between his door knob and door jam. I guess I hope he will read it and be forgiving and then everything can move on. Who knows though really, I mean I should have been more respectful and apologized the minute I knew he would be up for work. I should have said sorry because no one deserves to be treated like that. Granted, it wasn't like I screamed at him or called him names I just pushed him away. Something I seem to be good at when I am afraid of approaching a situation like a grown up adult.

Recent Thoughts

I read something recently on a craigslist post, it sincerely hit home. I copy and pasted it for you all to read:

I hate my life. I hate fucking up. I hate missed chances to grow up. I hate you. I hate the government's recklessness with peoples lives. I hate deception. I hate the idea of money. I hate bad people. I hate school. I hate greed. I hate the greed associated with money. I hate getting nothing in return. I hate the oil companies. I hate animal abusers. I hate people who lie that are not white lies & fuck you over. I hate girls in general after they all were the ones who cheated/lied/broke up the relationship. I hate not getting into college. I hate having to play catch up when it comes so easily to other people. I hate fake friends. I hate feeling greedy and dirty for wanting money for everyday things. I hate hangovers. I hate the way the world is headed. I hate being who I am and not who I want to be. I hate every little thing I fucked up/did wrong in the last 5+ years. I hate dwelling on shit I should have moved past years ago. I hate not being able to grow up. I hate the false idea of lasting love. I hate people who don't value life. I hate other people who don't get life's small pleasures. I hate employers who take every advantage they can from their employees. I hate that people all over the world want to kill one another over stupid shit like religion and money. I hate coming home and not having food ready after working hard. I hate people who are 2 faced. I hate Seattle and the depression that comes with living in such a fucking shitty place all your life.

It is a bit depressing but it got me to thinking, I feel the same way. The world seems greedy and selfish. I see friends, family, and all other people around me put themselves first. I remember a long time ago a family member telling me,

"why would you stick up for your friend or lie for your friend to keep them out of trouble? In the end they would never do it for you."

Although I have experienced this statement to be mainly true; I have also experienced a positive outcome from being the compassionate and caring person that I think I am today. I may let people walk all over me at times (although I am working on having a limit), I may have friends or family who take advantage of my kindness, and I know that I have a lot of family and friends who disrespect me, but I am not going to let that change how I am.

More of what this post on Craigslist showed me was that we can't ever change these things. Although I completely agree with this poster almost 100%, there is nothing we can do to change this or to change people. I find myself trying though. For so long I have tried to have people in my life (family and friends) respect me and love me, but I keep being let down by them. I remember just recently waking up and thinking to myself,

"There is nothing I can do, they will always treat me like this and they will never treat me out they treat certain other people in their lives. They have pushed me away, it's time to let go."

So I have, and it's weird but for these few people, I almost feel like I don't know them anymore. All they do is disappoint me and bring me down and to be quite honest make me fee like a piece of shit. I know who I am and I am proud of who I have become and the life I lead. Yes, I make mistakes and bad choices. I have done some things in my life that I don't usually speak of and that I would never refer to as my shinning moments, but I learned from those mistakes, and I have done what I can to make myself stronger. I think I have learned from family and friends and thank those who have helped get me to where I am, but I also know that the shitty choices my family and friends have made are what helped me make some of my positive choices.

I'm thankful for those in my life who have stuck by me from day one, saw me through my hardest moments and helped push me to the other side, those that were there for the good times and that bad, and spoke good of me even when I wasn't what they expected me to be, or doing what they expected me to do. Those that appreciated that I would make my own choices and that I would have to deal with the outcome, but that they would still have my back either way. I know who they all are; and I love each and every one of them for being that special person in my life.

The Outsider

From the day you entered my life I was destined to be the outsider,
You took away my life, my heart, my strength,
everything about you reeks of greed.

You claimed us as your own, changed our name, changer 'our' ways,
You made us yours and kept us under your command for years.

I was afraid to change, to be me, to explore, to be free,
You made me this way.

No one saw what I saw,
yet I accepted you and loved you and probably always will.

No one sees what I see,
The hurt, pain, neglect, and shame you put on us.

No one feels what I feel,
Distant, alone, separated, hurt.

You did this to us and to me,
yet I don't blame you,
I only keep wishing for the day you will pick up the phone and call,
The day you will apologize for what you have done,
The day you will grow up and become an adult and realize your faults.

Your faults don't make you a bad person, and it's ok to admit you have them,
What makes you a bad person is the blame you put on everyone around.

You blame me for the past, for the present, for the future,
You forget all the things I have done to get me where I am,
All the things I have endured,
The tears, the blood, the pain, the rejections.
All the other people that you want to accept you,
They all get your attention,
but those who have accepted you from day one,
Get turned away and put down,
Left to be forgotten.

I have chosen to let go,
I'm tired of holding on to you,
Tired of pretending that you will see who I am and love me for me,
I'm tired of feeling worthless and unsatisfied with myself.
Maybe one day you will see what you lost.